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The Day I Met Caitlin Moran... Again

05/04/2016 18:02 | Updated 05 April 2016

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Last time I met Caitlin Moran I was so excited I nearly passed out and now, we're meeting again. Caitlin Moran is very busy. As well as the second series of Raised By Wolves on Channel 4, there's her new book Moranifesto and she is working on two films with John Niven of Kill Your Friends fame. They started working together on the adaptation of her memoir How to Be a Woman and "kind of accidentally wrote another film, a massive action film set in the 16th century which hopefully we start shooting next year."

The first series of Raised by Wolves has been shown in Canada and without subtitles, prompting a lot of confused tweets. "I was having to coach a load of Canadians into a master class of Wolverhampton slang explaining what "nice one kidda" meant" she says. However the Americans haven't got time for all that so instead it's being remade for them with "an amazing writer who I can't say yet but basically my favourite female writer in the world."

I ask if there's a never ending supply of material to do series after series and she points out "nearly everything about being a woman is totally up for grabs, loads of things we do aren't even named. For instance, if you're a lady and you have a bath and then you get out the bath about 20 minutes later suddenly some water will come out. Bath water will come out of your special place and that doesn't have a name. It's unchartered water for women, literally."

Here's what happened when a slightly hungover Caitlin chatted to me about Wuthering Heights, getting tipsy on Chatty Man and cheese.

How do you write? Do you have to have Tea? Are you in a shed?
In the summer I am outdoors on my patio because I can smoke there and in the winter I'm in the spare bedroom pretending that smoking out of the window doesn't make the house smell. It does, I'm really sorry kids. I have to stop two hours before them come home from school in order to light a load of candles and pretend it didn't happen. I sit on a posturally correct stool that looks like a saddle which is good because if it's a bad day I pretend that I'm actually on a horse.

And if it's a bad day and you get stuck is it a case of waiting it out?
I never really get stuck actually it's only a bad day just cos I'm tired or there's so much to do but I've only ever had writer's block once, it lasted for 20 minutes and I have to say I found it unpleasant but then that was the end of that and I've not really bothered with it since because I had this massive breakthrough in my really early 20s. If anyone out there wants to be a writer this is the best bit of advice I can give you, particularly if you're a woman or you're some kind of minority. You spend most of your teenage years saying, I wanna be a writer but I can't write things that exist at the moment, like I don't know how I can write Star Wars, and then suddenly you turn your gaze 180 degrees and go, oh my god! Look at all the things that haven't been made yet! Look at all the scenes I haven't seen and all the characters and all the world and problems! You know stories that haven't been told yet. I'm going to start making a list, that's what I'm going to spend the next 20 years working my way through... and once you do that, what hasn't been done yet, you never run out of things to say.

I love that you start with a list!
Always start with a list. Lists are exciting. I've got millions of lists around the house. Often if I do something and I realise that it wasn't on a list I'll go back and write it on to a list and then tick it off immediately, and that DOES count, that absolutely counts.

Who have you been most excited to get a tweet from?
Adele retweeted a column I'd written where I pretended I was dead and that I'd written a letter to my daughter from beyond the grave, which a lot of people loved anyway and then she retweeted it. She'd put "This is so beautiful thank you Caitlin for writing it" and so for 6 months afterwards I'd have loads of Adele fans from Brazil going "Caitlin tell Adele we love her and she must come and play Brazil!" I'm sorry bro I can't help you, I can't book adele to play Brazil that's not within my remit. Having Lena Dunham tweet me, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, you know these are all my heroes. And then today the psychologist Graham Stanier from The Jeremy Kyle Show tweeted that he was looking forward to seeing Raised by Wolves coming back.

Would you like to have a whole load of random questions?
Absolutely!

How do you have your tea?
Bag still in and many times a day.

Biscuit or cake?
*gasps* Erm biscuit! God that was literally the hardest thing I've ever done in my life! And I had a 36 hour labour once. Oh my god! Don't make me do that again!! I actually feel quite panicky!

First gig you ever went to?
That was Tears for Fears at the NEC. I won a competition and I'd never been to a gig before and when all the girls got up and danced I didn't know that was a thing you did at gigs and I thought they'd all lost their minds.

What was the last thing you bought?
This morning I treated myself to a Sonos music system, very expensive, very swanky and also a moth killing machine because I've got moths. So both ends of the spectrum in terms of glamour and practicality.

When was the last time you were tipsy?
Oh about six hours ago?

On Chatty Man?
Well he gives you quite a lot! The booze is real, yeah I had to drink quite a hefty measure of rum whilst on air and then we hit the green room afterwards and it got a bit messy.

What's your Plan B?
I would be a very good cheese salesman. I'm very passionate about the subject and I think I can make people eat even more cheese than they already do.

What song do you wish you'd written?
Case of You by Joni Mitchell in which a metaphor for alcoholism is turned into a beautiful metaphor about love, nice one Joni.

Have you ever dialled 999?
I've done it jokingly to wind my kids up when they were naughty. When they were much younger I was like "I'm calling the police now if you don't go to bed!"

What was your best ever Christmas present?
You know what they've all been awful. I can tell you what the worst one was it was a calligraphy set. When I was 10 when I was so poor I didn't have a bed and I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor and I didn't have a coat so I could have done with a bed, a coat and a bedside lamp and my parents bought me a calligraphy set and said "here you are you can learn to write in beautiful calligraphic italic writing!" Thanks!! That was of no use at all.

Who do you fancy at the moment?
Always Gonzo from The Muppet Show, he is such a scorching piece of felt. Absolutely, until security pull me off.

Who would you do on Stars in their Eyes?
What sexually?
No! There's only Matthew.
I'm a broadchurch! I'd do a Kate Bush. My Wuthering Heights... the word is piercing.

Who is your all time hero?
You know what Jesus has got quite a legacy, you know in terms of PR I'm looking at that and thinking yeah! If it takes me to die just to hang around for 2000 years I'll do that.

Raised by Wolves continues Wednesdays at 10PM on Channel 4. Moranifesto is out now.

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