THE BLOG

Star Wars: The Phwoarce Awakens

04/12/2015 11:33 GMT | Updated 03/12/2016 10:12 GMT

Days are getting darker.

Nights are getting longer.

The Force Awakens opens in cinemas this month.

Are you hard tingling with the anticipation of erotic intergalactic adventure yet?

If not, let me hit you with a simple equation that should pique your interest:

STAR WARS

+

internetz

=

HELLA PORN

Star Wars is one of the few modern franchises that actually has a shot at widespread cultural relevance. Back in the days when Apple was a fruit and Tinder was what your ancestors used to light the bonfires they burned witches on, it was easy to find common points of reference. Now, with roughly eight zillion films, shows and memes constantly honking for your attention on several different screens, it's rare that a cinematic event comes along that actually puts down roots in the collective consciousness.

Everyone must be aware that a new Star Wars film is about to explode into existence.

Given the near-hysterical hype from ostensibly impartial parties (Google! Max Factor! Your mother!), it's actually painful to hypothesize on what the kind of person that genuinely has no idea about the film might be like. A vegan nomad with quinoa freckles who says bless you whenever they hear the word 'Kardashian'? A pop-culture Scrooge who thinks Buzzfeed is beekeeping jargon? Or perhaps just someone with daily serious struggles that extend beyond the kind of capitalist cinema franchise that can call itself a space opera while keeping a straight face?

Well, if you're one of the few to miss the memo:

THERE'S A NEW STAR WARS FILM COMING OUT.

It's the first in over a decade, the first in the franchise by blockbuster behemoth Disney, and it is expected to do to the international box office what most straight teenage girls would do if left alone with Zayn Malik for twenty minutes: consume it voraciously, leaving nothing left.

So where does all the porn come in?

The Force Awakens has been predicted to make over $1 billion. It's going to set hearts racing and imaginations soaring when it launches on December 17th. And what with the new storylines, atmsospheric sets and wealth of acting talent lined up to star, it won't take long for the Dark Side of the internet to rear its horny head.

No-one in the Star Wars universe is safe from the general public's collective horn. They will all be fucked, sucked and fetishised with the utmost Force. Sales of edible green body paint will skyrocket. Skin Diamond and Mia Khalifa will get down as sexy Sapphic Stormtroopers. Of course, the real smut won't be seen on screen in a raunchy 'Star Whores' parody, it'll be buried away in the back-up drives of feverishly creative fans. I'm talking fanfiction. I'm talking RPS. I'm talking dick doodles.

(Click here if these last statements baffle you. NSFW, unless you work somewhere awesome.

Back already? Great. Moving on. #lossofinnocence #sorrynotsorry)

As always, most of the adoring epistles will eventually fall at the feet of one person in particular. The eye-candy. The movie's mojo. This franchise's Pattinson.

This is the first time that Star Wars has existed for a 4G-ready fanbase, so there's everything to play for, heartthrob wise. Which actor will bear the brunt of the internet's unspeakable lust?

I'm not worried about doe-eyed Daisy Ridley, or even Milennial marmite Adam Driver. (Creepy or hot? Can he be both?!) Harrison Ford may have turned a few heads in his time, but today he's literally an outdated action figure held together by sellotape and string. We all feel a bit weird about objectifying Lupita after 12 Years, and although Domnhall Gleeson has all the red-hot fyah of an elder Weasley brother, he is ginger. That shit's divisive.

Way back when, it was Princess Leia, magnetic in her metal bikini. Carrie Fisher, the actress responsible for a hundred million sticky sheets, is certainly wise to the celestial charms of her iconic character. She even coined the oh-so-quotable line "I was quite the space slut" this year, dutifully turning the wank crank for the generation of greying geeks who found her performance oh so very titillating the first time around.

Our generation will also have a Chosen One.

From the moment he popped up in the first trailer, panting and sweaty, I knew.

The Internet is going to do terrible things to John Boyega.

Fresh meat 'Finn' is going to be pored over and adored. The most mocha master since Mace Windu will be immortalized in prose and pictures that linger way too long over his dreamy eyes and muscular thighs. Move over Anakin/Obi-Wan, step aside HanLuke. There isn't a guy, girl or Jedi in the galaxy that won't be sucked into Boyega's black hole.

And I for one can't wait to get starry-eyed.

The prequel trilogy couldn't cut it in the porn stakes. Jar Jar Binks's sheer presence is an almost impenetrable mental cockblock, and Hayden Christensen was so generic Aryan-angry-boy he ended up coming bottom on the tween girl Hitler Youth crush leaderboard, just below poor misguided Rolfe from The Sound of Music. But Boyega, with his already-established couch acrobatic skills, has already won us all over. With the winning combination of smokin' bod and actual personality, he is the spaceman to set fangirl loins aflame.

So Santa baby? Some graphic Finn fanart is all I want for Christmas.

Oh, and maybe this Kylo Ren lightsaber toy, retailing at around £200. Pricey, yes, but it's got three prongs and apparently feels extremely realistic.