THE BLOG

The Naked Cleaner

09/12/2016 16:50 GMT | Updated 09/12/2016 16:50 GMT
Anetlanda via Getty Images

I'll get straight to the point. My partner won't lift a finger around the house unless I am screaming at him or prodding him with a cattle prod. Basically he can be very lazy!

He works long hours and loves to play with our son but other then that he won't "notice" it. You know when men walk up the stairs, climb over the basket of clean washing needing to go upstairs and when you ask why they didn't take that basket with them; the reply is 'I didn't even notice it!' I'll tell you what then, if I stab you and then set your boxers on fire will you "notice" that? Or will that still be outside your tunnel vision? MEN!!

What really gets my goat is if a women, a Mum, just sat around all day not noticing things, being lazy, playing games on our phones all day and then disappearing into the bathroom for a crap for 30 mins (locking the door so our son has to wee on the potty if his desperate) we would be called a Bad Mum! But when a man, a Dad, does it then they are just being men!

When did the double standards get so far apart and stereotyped? I can't even have a crap with the door shut! The door is wide open with my son giving me a running commentary on what I'm doing or what he can hear and trying to help me! Even when I try to grab a quick shower, I have toys swimming around my feet and then Jake will turn up wanting to get in with me! Could you imagine the chaos if I actually shut that door on and watched the world stop turning!

The other day I needed some Mummy time to, well let's just say to prune my lady garden and it ended up with my son watching my every move and him putting bubbles on his little area; asking me to shave him too! God give me strength! It's times like that you question many things. It's a bit like an outer body experience and watch yourself thinking 'what the fuck am I doing?!'

Well, after watching my partner sitting on his arse playing yet another game on his phone while I was elbow deep in shit, it was time for the bitch slap!

I called him nicely so he would come not knowing what was about to happen. As soon as he walked into the bathroom I said 'put your phone down as you're about to clean the bath!' Well I don't think his body could work out what to do first; his mouth was open with no words coming out, he was glued to the spot and even got a sweat on! I wasn't sure if I needed 999 on hold just in case!

When he finally spoke I got 'I don't know how too!' I ignored my eye twitching and kept up the nicely nice approach. This man had never cleaned a bath before!! I told him that he might find it easier to do it in bare feet and get in the bath. He just walked off and disappeared!

I was gearing up for an fight and the speech that was coming then I saw it.

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He was coming back completely naked with just rubber gloves on!

Well just bare feet would of been fine but whatever floats your boat and as long as I get my bath cleaned I don't care if you're naked or farting the Eastenders theme tune as long as it's done!

And boy did he go to town or what!? That bath (even the tiles) were sparkling - probably the cleanest it had ever been! Give him his dues, he didn't play the "do a shit job so she never asks me to do this ever again" game - which I'm pretty sure he will live to regret.

So I got my bathroom cleaned and Si learnt something new, so a successful day all round, but I'm certain he was expecting some kind of thank you which most probably involved me being naked also. I told him if a naked guy turned up every time I cleaned I'd be too fucking tired to even manage the cleaning.

He didn't ask again!