Dodging The Baby Shower

26/01/2017 13:07 GMT | Updated 26/01/2017 13:07 GMT

Okay so maybe the title is a little exaggerated to get your attention, I mean I like attending them, I would just never want one myself... totally backtracking so I still get invited for free cupcakes and Prosecco.

Firstly, I'm British and I fit perfectly into the awkward, embarrassed and overly apologetic stereotype that we are portrayed as in every film that ever stared Hugh Grant.

I know we like to copy our American friends but do we really need to adopt all of their traditions? I feel like it's a bit of an unnecessary faff.

When I was pregnant several of my wonderful chums sent me excited texts offering to throw me a baby shower. I guess people offer to do it for you because this is the correct baby shower etiquette. It would be slightly weird to throw your own wouldn't it? Although I do know of a baby shower-zilla who sent out invitations and even gift lists where all the baby grows had to be made of organic cotton!

Baby showers are sweet and people are very kind, but the thought of sitting in a room surrounded by all my friends who have had to go out and spend their money on my unborn baby sits a little uncomfortably with me. The worst part would be then having to open the gifts one by one and pass comment on every item. Acting like I needed two of the same item anyway when a gift is duplicated so that nobody else would feel embarrassed. I just don't really know how I'm expected to act. I hate bowling for the same reason. I'm crap at it, I have no co-ordination and I always throw the ball down the gutter, how can I possibly concentrate knowing everyone is staring at my bum in its ill-fitting knickers and muffin topped jeans. I then have to turn around and walk back while everyone observes me from their seat and offers a sympathetic look, all whilst wearing stupid bloody clown shoes. It's all just massively awkward; I can't deal with the pressure.

While I am heavily pregnant and unable to fit in anything remotely attractive that doesn't incorporate a Breton stripe, the last thing I want to drape across my swollen chest is a silky sash saying 'Yummy Mummy' and have everyone tell me how well I'm doing. Whilst feeling knackered and slightly nauseous I'm not really into sniffing nappies to guess whether the poo stain is a Snickers or a Mars Bar and I certainly don't want to play 'pin the sperm on the Uterus', that's what got me into this mess!

Weirdly I quite enjoy attending others' baby showers because it's not about me. One confusion I have after attending someone else's baby shower is do I then take another gift when I go to visit once the baby is here? I feel such a tight-arse turning up with nothing so I then have to go out and purchase a second gift!

In reality it actually probably is less stressful to receive all of your gifts before the arrival of the baby so I do understand why people do it. You can spend time looking at the beautiful gifts, arranging them in the nursery, maybe even have time to pen a few Thank You notes. Something you will never have a chance to do once your baby is born. All of my gifts were brought over during baby visiting times when I didn't know my arse from my elbow and were added to the mounting pile in the corner which equally stressed me out (OCD cleaning freak). Maybe second time around I'll feel different and I'll want a baby shower ( obviously my friends will tell me to shove it now). Next time I'll know what I'm doing and I'll feel more confident to chat all things labour related whilst someone dangles a chain over me to guess the sex!

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