I don't know about you but I spend a lot of nights sat in a Wetherspoons with my single girlfriends, and sometimes the odd gay, wondering why we are still single. Maybe it is to do with the fact that we are drinking £10 jugs of Woo Woo and Blue Lagoon on a Tuesday evening. Maybe it's the fact, that we are all sat on our Snapchats when we are out turning into cute bunny rabbits.
This one particular "Apple Sourz" infused evening, me and my girls turned our talk to technology. Oh no, this isn't another Tinder joke about to be thrust upon you. Do people still do Tinder? I can't keep up! Is FaceTune still around?
I am the least tech-savvy person. I find it annoying. I don't understand how you turn a page on a kindle, nor do I want to find out. I like to go to libraries (mainly in the hopes some sexy nerd who looks like Clark Kent will fuck me in the aisles!), I still like my real puppies instead of a Tamagotchi and I still like seeing dicks in real time rather than over What's App - call me old fashioned.
What I am trying to say is - I needed to tidy up my address book in my iPhone. I have the smallest Cloud. My storage is nearly full, I have to pay more for more Cloud and all those celebs got hacked. I do not need my ginger pubes going viral. Once you've seen that there's no going back.
Then - something magical happened. I was out with Riggers one night. This is not some mountain bear but my BFF Natalie. I was telling her I need to delete some numbers. This is how long I've had the same numero and SIM - my old college's office number was in there. We were looking through the phone and there was so many people I had no idea who they were
BEN DRINK CLUB
CHARLES POSH OXFORD GIG
And it carried on like this. So I believe I have at least one story about a man per letter. So for the next few weeks I am going to post my A-Z of boys. This week is A for Alex POF.
I met Alex on POF.com and our first date was so wonderful. We went for Mexican food near my house at the time in Battersea. I always meet near my house in case they are crazy murderers and I need to escape quickly. He was so handsome and looked like a proper blokey bloke. He was wearing Burton's menswear. As the night went on and the tequila went down, we relaxed more and I really liked him. I even started to imagine what our life would be like if I moved in with him in Horley. Was it Horley or Crawley? Nevermind. Once I found out what he did for a living that was it. I was sold. He was a pilot. I had one of only five one night stands in my life. I took him back to mine. He was lovely. And we had a great night (you know if this was on What's App being sent to my pals it would have an aubergine here) and the next day, I woke up, I got croissants and juice for breakfast (to show him I was marriage material) and we started to make plans to see each other again.
I also asked him something I should have been responsible enough to ask him earlier.
"What airline do you fly for?"
He said "Easyjet" - my life came crashing down around me. I'd imagined retiring from comedy and being flown to far away lands like Barbados, Jamaica, LA - I do not want to go to Liverpool.
As I said goodbye, I knew it was forever. What a waste of a pain au chocolat.
So then it was on to "B"
(I really encourage you to do your own EXES A-Z it's super fun!) I'm on tour at the moment, please go to my website and book tickets.