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Britain's Got Talent First Night Recap

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Another year of contestants singing, dancing and making idiots out of themselves? Why, it could only be the return of Britain's Got Talent, which has produced such household names as Paul Potts, George Sampson, Spelbound and Jai McDowell. Four names which I can't even last a day without hearing about. So, lets see what 2012's version brings.

Ant and Dec leave their parallel houses and lip sync to Don't Stop Me Now. Suddenly, dancers and singers join them as they sing their hearts out next to Nelson's Column, like a Halifax advert. They then introduce the show, and the usual guff about it being "bigger than ever".

7.10am on a grim Manchester morning. Everybody prepares for their audition to come. Meanwhile, in the audition room, Statey McObvious says to his friend that "this year, there's four judges and four buzzers". I want to know who his sources are, as clearly he knows someone on the inside. The show then commences.

Anthony, is a 67-year-old dressed as a Roman solider. He does a monologue from Gladiator. It appears nobody cares, because Britain's Got Talent isn't about acting. It's about either singing, dancing or making a tit out of yourself. Luckily though, the guy does make a tit out of himself, which means he is worthy of ITV's airtime. Well done, Anthony.

Skaters Skate of Mind are next. During their act, she falls over and the duo are buzzed off before anyone even hints at getting medical attention to her. Also in this wacky montage are a choir and a man who can play Last of the Summer Wine on harmonica via his nose. We keep focussing on a cute guy with a guitar who keeps commenting "ooh, the buzzers are loud" and "ooh, I'm a bit scared". Wondering why we keep cutting to him? He's auditioning next. When he steps on stage, the montage music stops. I think we can all tell that he gets through.

Cute Guitar Guy is Sam Kelly. He performs a rendition of a Bob Dylan song in the style of Ed Sheeran. I'm shocked that the handsome guitar guy they kept cutting to during the previous montage is actually any good, but I guess this show is full of surprises. The audience go crazy and he ends up with four yeses. Twelve minutes in, and we have our first finalist.

Act Two begins: a montage of Alesha not being a fan of people dancing. During this montage, we keep cutting to Sugar Dandies discussing how they're a bit scared and that the buzzers are loud. Meanwhie, Two of a Kind appear to be frantically spring cleaning the stage during a dubstep track. After the montage finishes, it's Sugar Dandies turn. The duo are a gay couple who enjoy balldancing, and then demonstrate their skills. I look forward to the complaints to the Daily Mail stating how ITV allowed a gay couple on the screen before the watershed. They slowdance to You Raise Me Up, and are very sweet together. They get four yeses, and are through. I check out what Twitter's reaction is via the #BGT hashtag.

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Oh, Twitter. It's 2012 now.

Act Three injects 133 Mormons into the Manchester Arena car park. They are a choir called Only Boys Aloud, (the Muppet Babies version of Only Men Aloud, I guess). They're very good, and I hope that ITV commission a series of Welsh Glee (called Glyy). They even come with their own key change. Four yeses, and they're through. We end Act Three here.

Act Four, and we're doused in news footage that Amanda Holden is having a baby. They present it similarly to the opening credits of28 Days Later, so I'm not entirely sure whether I should be happy for her or fear for mankind's future. Replacing Amanda is American thingamashit Carmen Electra, and we find out about this via Statey McObvious. He tells his nameless friend about what is going on. I have to question ITV's use for this guy. Couldn't they afford Peter Dickson to narrate this year? Whatever the reason, I hope Statey has a good future planned for him.

Barbara and Bradley appear to be this years "wacky couple". They've been told by previous producers that they're good enough for the audition process, so they naturally think that they're good. Instead, they make tits of themselves reciting poetry and dancing for the joy of an audience of guffawing hyenas. Well done, ITV. They are followed by Dennis Egel, a German anthropamorphic raven. He claims his talent is singing. Meanwhile, David Walliam's mum states that Susan Boyle's mum didn't look right. Spanish Flea is playing in the background. I can't be fully certain that I'm not watching a Monty Python sketch at this point. Dennis makes his way to the stage, and even mentioning that he's from Germany ignites boos from the audience. Stay classy, audience. Dennis sings Bring Me To Life whilst removing his black clothing, revealing a pair of golden wings. At this point, ITV force the hashtag #NOWWITHWINGS down our throats. Lets see if that catches on.

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Oh, Twitter. ITV will display hashtags during the news next. "A motorway pile-up has resulted in the loss of three lives... #OOPSDRIVE2012". Dennis Egel gets three yeses, which means his through. Super fantastic.

After the break, we resume with Act Five. A masked guy on stilts has the talent of wearing a mask whilst on stilts. Good talent that. Sound of Soul claim to be "relaxation musicians", which holds as much weight as me claiming to be a "fart technician". Olajide plays an invisible trumpet.

After the bizarre montage, a thin girl and overweight boy take to the stage. Simon leans over to whisper "just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...". The audience peer over to gawp at the guy on stage, Jonathan. Look! Look at Jonathan! He's fat! Can you believe that they allowed a fat person on stage?! During all the chatter and shock, they cut to Jonathan's backstory. He's been bullied, but he's also been supported by his teachers as he has a good voice. He then sings with his friend, and in a not-at-all-similar-to-Paul-Potts-or-Susan-Boyle twist, it turns out the boy who people in the audience genuinely hunched over to get more of a look at him can actually sing! What a twist that nobody expected! Simon smiles with dollar signs in his eyes, and the YouTube-hosted version of this clip gets 200,000 hits by the end of the weekend. To his credit, he is a very good opera singer, but Britain's Got Talent needs to stop this whole "let's challenge the audience's views on social happenstance by pointing at someone who looks different but can actually sing". As Twitter user @hughbarb states, "I'm surprised #WeirdLookingWithAGoodVoice didn't pop up on the screen". Naturally, John and Charlotte are through.

So, our finalists so far are Sam Kelly (Ed Sheeran), Sugar Dandies (Strictly Come Dandies), Only Boys Aloud (Aled Clones), Dennis Egel (a rejected Little Britain character) and Jonathan & Charlotte (Paul Potts and Friend). C'mon then, let's drag this out for another month.

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