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It's Time For A Government Department For Debt

29/09/2017 14:30 BST | Updated 29/09/2017 14:30 BST

A lot of people are getting worried about how much debt people are in, some have called the government to launch a public inquiry. I've got an idea. It's bigger than a public inquiry. It's a new department - The Department for Debt.

We have the Department for International Trade. And let's be honest, trade isn't going that well, our trade deficit is huge. Although hopefully that will sort itself out when we finally break our relationship with our biggest trading partner, the EU.

May has said she wants us to trade more with China. Problem is, we aren't producing much stuff that they want. We don't export much more than British produced waste to China. Sorting out the causes of our trade deficit is going to difficult. Let's just stick to producing what we are good at - debt. Let's own this.

You might say, isn't the government already doing enough to make sure we are all in debt, why a new government department? Well, yes, I agree, they are doing pretty well already. People are getting into record amounts of debt for mortgages, weddings, honeymoons. And of course the divorce lawyers who decide who pays off the debt for the mortgage and wedding once the honeymoon is over.

Some people might say that, after the financial crisis we talked too much about public debt, not about private debt. They say we should really have had some sort of national debate about whether we should have so much debt in our economy. I disagree. It's preferable that instead we've had a national debate about whether we should have so many migrants.

I'm sick of all these hysterical left wing lunatics drawing parallels between growing hostility towards migrants today and the rise of fascism in Nazi Germany. It's totally different, for a start, the far right today has picked a different religious group to target. For example, take the AfD, who won seats this week in the German Parliament for the first time in half a century. They claim Islam is incompatible with Western legal and cultural values. I agree. You know Islam is the only religion that still frowns upon charging interest. Islamic finance is based on risk sharing, not build up of debt. How ridiculous, debt is so central to our way of life. Muslims, eh, coming over here, suggesting ways in which we could make our economic system more sustainable.

The government has done a fine job of recovering from the crisis, a crisis of mortgage debt, with more mortgage debt. And we don't want anyone telling us otherwise. And these people moaning on about the excessive rents charged by people who own properties. Pipe down, don't you understand our culture? In Britain we are proud that most of the land in this country is owned by a small landed gentry. They have made money through rent seeking for generations. It's the way it has always been and that's the way we like it.

Yes house prices in London are high, but look at all the great TV that has come out of it. We don't just get location, location, location but also relocation, relocation. We want to wank over Kirstie Allsopp telling us how much money these guys made on their one-bedroom in Balham.

So, the government has done well, but there is further to go. We could be the most indebted country in the world. Number one. We're so close. Let's make our goals around Brexit more realistic. We won't be the place people come to trade, we'll be the place that companies come to sell more poorly regulated debt contracts to the people.

Forget internet dating, how about interdebt dating? Find love and leverage online. Don't celebrate your birthday, go out for deficit day - that time of the month when your outgoings overtake your ingoings.

We know a lot of people are going bankrupt, but see this as an opportunity. We could reopen debtors prisons. Inmates could gain valuable work skills making stuff for free for big companies. Using forced labour we could even compete with China, and bring manufacturing back to this country.

Now, I'm off to pitch my idea to Theresa. I think there is space for a new department after she scrapped The Department of Energy and Climate Change (DECC). Right on, we don't need DECC, we need the Department for Debt.