I am not broken, instead I am whole; whole with this love that cradles my shattered heart. He taught me a new kind of love. My son. My angel above.
An ultrasound revealed I had a blood clot bigger than the baby where the placenta connected to the umbilical cord. It was rupturing, and a placental abruption was underway. It was easily up there with one of the most painful experiences of my life. It was as though I could feel my insides tearing away, and every bone in my lower abdomen felt as though it was breaking. As the pain and bleeding intensified, my left leg went numb. I was alone at home, petrified, and literally crippled from pain. As I haemorrhaged and passed chunks of tissue, I would wonder which part was placenta, and which part was my baby. But the very last 'cramp' which I now knew were actually contractions (I was dilated at 6cm the day after), I knew it was him. He was still in the sac. I saw this tiny perfectly forming human, with little arms, fingers, legs and toes. The heart that I had seen beating in the ultrasound just the day before, was now still.
I felt embarrassed and I blamed myself. I felt like my body had failed my baby. Over 1.5 years later and I still suffered from a limp and hip pain, I needed multiple surgeries for over 1.5 years to remove residual scar tissue, a bloody cyst left over from the pregnancy, uterine adhesions, ovarian cysts, endometriosis. I forgot what 'feeling well' was like. I couldn't work. I worried that I would never be able to conceive. I felt broken.
It took me time to learn to embrace these happenings as just part of life, and my journey; in fact, to accept that these happenings are more common than I ever realised.
I may have transparent cracks and chips all over my body. I break down and cry from the losses and torment myself with the whys and what could have beens.
I have had injections, tests - been prodded and poked all to try and find a simple answer why my body just won't function.
Despite all this, I am not broken. I might have felt broken, but over time I began piece myself back together. I have turned my back on rejecting myself and being more loving to myself, I have begun to accept what has happened and embrace my womanhood for what it is, rather than seeing it as a failure.