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Alfie Evers

Comedy Writer/Musician/Sandwich Lover

London-based Alfie Evers first came to prominence in 2015 after winning a Nobel Prize for his novel ‘Sex Football Beer’ which sold over 100,000,000 Billion copies worldwide and was translated into a world-record 1300 languages. After enjoying such huge success, Evers hid away from the public eye, choosing instead to live on a farm in Lichtenstein, where it is reported that he found the cure for people who talk too loudly on the phone whilst riding public transport. In 2018, Evers was thrust back into the public eye after England football manager John Terry picked him for the FIFA World Cup. After much furore over the award-winning writer’s ageing years and the fact he had never been a professional footballer, the critics were silenced when Evers stepped off the bench in the final to score two goals against a Germany side managed by Arnold Schwarzenegger. With the final score 2-1, England claimed their first trophy since 1966. Proud Manager John Terry said at the time; “I knew when it came down to it, we needed more than football. We needed Alfie”.

After declining knighthood, Evers again chose to shun the limelight and went into hiding, where it is reported he invented the Hover Car. In 2032, after leading an uprising, Alfie Evers was elected the first President of the newly formed Peoples’ Republic of Europe. He is happily married with 16 wives, has 436 children and writes his blog The Alfie Evers Brain Sale.

I've Seen the Star Wars Parody: It's Called 'The Force Awakens'.

So, I recommend you get to see this very entertaining Star Wars parody. It's called <em>Star Wars: The Force Awakens</em>. Which strangely enough is the same name as the new Star Wars film that everyone says is the 'Dog's nuts' - strange bit of marketing if you ask me.
08/01/2016 14:53 GMT

Tinder Surprise! My Dangerous Love Affair With the New Dating App

I heard murmurings of a new dating app called <em>Tinder</em>. Someone had dressed it as "<em>Grindr</em>, but for straight people". Now, for all of you who don't know, <em>Grindr</em> is - in my limited knowledge - an app that uses your location to search for potential mates that are in your area. You make contact. You agree to meet. You agree to meat.
12/11/2013 17:31 GMT

The Truth About Babies, New Parents and Crack Addicts

Have you met new parents? I really can't tell the difference between them or crack addicts. In fact, I'm convinced they're the same. Bloodshot eyes, pale skin, always say stuff like; "it's really great you should try it". They don't realise how desperately unhappy they are.
09/01/2013 12:03 GMT

Brrrr! Winter Is Coming, But Did We Really Learn Anything From the Summer?

Summer is over. My big brown winter coat twinkles at me. But, I ignore his advances. As I explain to him, Jack Frost isn't exactly banging on my windows shouting obscenities. I have not yet walked outside and quivered the words "Cor blimey guvnor". No doubt I will, but not yet my big brown friend. You stay where you are. Oh, you heard me. Back to the coat hook. Off you go.
12/10/2012 14:52 BST