Oh, dear.

Actor James Franco's poem wot he wrote to mark Barack Obama's inauguration - 'Obama In Asheville' - has hit the internet. And we don't think it's meant to be as funny as we actually find it.

It doesn't rhyme or scan - but hey, we know that modern poetry doesn't have to do either. What it does do, however, is contain lines like:

First I called my class at UCLA, and told them to watch Apocalypse Now

And

Then we waited in a private room with the likes of Tom Cruise,
And Katie Holmes, and Claire Danes.

And our own personal favourite:

When Obama entered
The crowd converged. Finally, I got to shake his hand,
He knew me from Spider-Man.

And before you go thinking that we're being too mean to Mr Franco because he's just an actor, we have to correct you. James Franco is, as Yahoo! - who commissioned the poems - says: an actor and writer.

"He is the author of the poetry chapbook 'Strongest of the Litter' and the short story collection 'Palo Alto'," Yahoo! informs us. "His poetry collection, 'Directing Herbert White,' "is scheduled to be published next year."

We can't wait!

Obama in Asheville

Asheville, North Carolina, is the birthplace of Thomas
Wolfe and the sometime residence of F. Scott Fitzgerald
When he visited Zelda at her institution;
He stayed at the Grove Park Inn, a grand stone edifice.

On the phone once, Cormac McCarthy lamented
The two added wings and the spa, and marveled
At the original structure, They pulled the stones
From the mountains and brought them down on mules.

Soon after his fortieth birthday, Fitzgerald attempted suicide
Here, but couldn’t shoot his own head, drunk, I guess.
Later, after he was actually dead, from alcohol,
Zelda perished in a fire at her institution, one of nine.

*

Asheville is the place where the Black Mountain College once stood
And helped birth Rauschenberg, Twombly and Johns,
Cage and Cunningham; now I think it’s a Young Men’s Christian Association.
On the wall of the Grove Park, they have pictures of the famous guests;

I’m not up there, but Obama is. I was asked to write something
For the inauguration of his second term, but what could I write?
I was in Asheville, studying writing, but not the political sort;
I write confessions and characters, and that sort of thing.

I wrote my friend Frank about what I could do, but he was unresponsive.
I went to class and then the little burrito place where they know me,
And finally at night I got Frank’s email on my phone and pulled over
On the side of Warren Wilson Road, past the school barn with the WWC --

That I couldn’t see in the dark -- right before the school entrance;
A little spot where there’s a path that leads to a lake called Snake Lake.
First I called my class at UCLA, and told them to watch Apocalypse Now,
And that it used Heart of Darkness as a model, and that we’d watch

Eleanor Coppola’s Hearts of Darkness, the making-of, the following week.
Then I read Frank’s note. He said he was sleeping twenty hours a day,
With no symptoms except that he desired sleep
And just a little more sleep. He’s in his seventies.

Then he said that my poem was a difficult task.
How to write about a man written about endlessly;
A man whom everyone has some sort of experience of;
How to write so that it’s not just for the converted.

*

I met Obama once, in D.C., the Correspondents’ Dinner.
I was the guest of Vanity Fair, guided through D.C. by the wife
Of Christopher Hitchens, when he was alive. We went to Hitch’s place,
He had books from floor to ceiling, and said he had read

To Borges, when he was blind, Old Icelandic Eddas—
Then we waited in a private room with the likes of Tom Cruise,
And Katie Holmes, and Claire Danes. When Obama entered
The crowd converged. Finally, I got to shake his hand,

He knew me from Spider-Man. I asked him for advice,
I was scheduled to give the commencement speech at UCLA
And there were some undergraduate knockers against me;
He had been denied the usual honorary degree by Arizona State

Because he hadn’t accomplished enough, so I wondered
How he dealt with detractors. He smiled his smile and said,
“Humor.” Well he’s damn right, and I wonder how much
That stand-up comedian is laughing in the face

Of this big country. Because he is one man and we are many,
And a great servant of the people—he’s a president, not a king—
And doesn’t need to face what King Charles once faced.
(Frank suggested I examine Marvell’s semi-inauguration poem for Cromwell:)

That thence the Royal actor borne
The tragic scaffold might adorn:
While round the armèd bands
Did clap their bloody hands.

That most famous stanza, and then:

But bow'd his comely head
Down, as upon a bed.

And he was beheaded, good-bye Charles.

*

If I were to act in the film about Obama,
All I would need to get down, aside from the outer stuff—
And I know that’s important—is his essential kindness,
I’d let the writer put in all the political crap,

And the specific things that he was up against,
All that stuff on CNN and theHuffington Post,
And I’d say the lines that were written, just like Obama
Reads his lines, but what would really put the role over

Would be the goodness at its core.
That’s what will be remembered.
Yes, his race, no one will forget. But the soul too.
I’d win the Academy Award if I just captured that.

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    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: U.S. President Barack Obama greets singer Kelly Clarkson after her performance of 'My Country, 'Tis of Thee' during the public ceremonial inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

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    US President Barack Obama greets singer Kelly Clarkson (C) after Obama took the oath of office during the 57th Presidential Inauguration ceremonial swearing-in at the US Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. The oath was administered by US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. AFP PHOTO/Brendan SMIALOWSKI (Photo credit should read BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)

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    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: U.S. President Barack Obama applauds after singer Beyonce performs the National Anthem during the public ceremonial inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)

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  • US-POLITICS-INAUGURATION-SWEARING IN-OBAMA

    US President Barack Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama (2nd L) and family members listen to Beyonce sing the National Anthem during the 57th Presidential Inauguration ceremonial swearing-in at the US Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. AFP PHOTO/Jewel Samad (Photo credit should read JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: U.S. President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama greet people after the public ceremonial inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

  • US-POLITICS-INAUGURATION-SWEARING IN-OBAMA

    US President Barack Obama shakes hands during the 57th Presidential Inauguration ceremonial swearing-in at the US Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. The oath was administered by US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, Jr. AFP PHOTO / Saul LOEB (Photo credit should read SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)

  • US-POLITICS-INAUGURATION-SWEARING IN-OBAMA

    US President Barack Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama (C) and family members listen to Reverend Dr. Luis Leon during the 57th Presidential Inauguration ceremonial swearing-in at the US Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. AFP PHOTO/Jewel Samad (Photo credit should read JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images)

  • US-POLITICS-INAUGURATION-SWEARING IN-OBAMA

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  • US-POLITICS-INAUGURATION-SWEARING IN-OBAMA

    Members of the media watch as US President Barack Obama takes the oath of office during the 57th Presidential Inauguration ceremonial swearing-in at the US Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. The oath is administered by US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, Jr. AFP PHOTO / Saul LOEB (Photo credit should read SAUL LOEB/AFP/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: U.S. President Barack Obama gives his inauguration address during the public ceremonial inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: U.S. President Barack Obama gives his inauguration address during the public ceremonial inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

  • US-POLITICS-INAUGURATION-SWEARING IN-OBAMA

    US President Barack Obama waves to the crowd after taking the oath of office during the 57th Presidential Inauguration ceremonial swearing-in at the US Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. The oath was administered by US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. AFP PHOTO/Brendan SMIALOWSKI (Photo credit should read BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: U.S. President Barack Obama gives his inauguration address during the public ceremonial inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

  • US-POLITICS-INAUGURATION-SWEARING IN-OBAMA

    People listen to US President Barack Obama speak after taking the oath of office during the 57th Presidential Inauguration ceremonial swearing-in at the US Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. The oath was administered by US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. AFP PHOTO/Brendan SMIALOWSKI (Photo credit should read BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: Beyonce and Jay-Z share a laugh with singer Kelly Clarkson during the public ceremonial inauguration for U.S. President Barack Obama on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images)

  • US-POLITICS-INAUGURATION-SWEARING IN-OBAMA

    US President Barack Obama speaks after taking the oath of office during the 57th Presidential Inauguration ceremonial swearing-in at the US Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. The oath was administered by US Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. AFP PHOTO/Brendan SMIALOWSKI (Photo credit should read BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: U.S. President Barack Obama gives his inauguration address during the public ceremonial inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: U.S. President Barack Obama (R) greets poet Richard Blanco after his poem during the public ceremonial inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: U.S. President Barack Obama greets singer James Taylor after his performance during the public ceremonial inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)

  • US-POLITICS-INAUGURATION-SWEARING IN-OBAMA

    First Lady Michelle Obama embraces President Barack Obama shortly after he took the oath of office during the 57th Presidential Inauguration ceremonial swearing-in at the US Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. AFP PHOTO/Jewel Samad (Photo credit should read JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: People gather on the National Mall during the public ceremonial inauguration of U.S. President Barack Obama on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: U.S. President Barack Obama (4R) is applauded by (L-R) Senate Majority Leader Sen. Harry Reid (D-NV), Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Vice President Joe Biden, House Speaker Rep. John Boehner (R-OH), House Majority Leader Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) and House Minority Leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) after signing a proclamation to commemorate the inauguration, entitled a National Day of Hope and Resolve, directly after swearing-in ceremonies in the U.S Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. U.S. President Barack Obama was ceremonially sworn in for his second term today. (Photo by Jonathan Ernst-Pool/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: Poet Richard Blanco (L) is greeted by U.S. Vice President Joe Biden (R) and U.S. President Barack Obama after reciting his poem during the presidential inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Mark Wilson/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama Sworn In As U.S. President For A Second Term

    WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 21: U.S. President Barack Obama greets singer Kelly Clarkson after her performance of 'My Country, 'Tis of Thee' during the public ceremonial inauguration on the West Front of the U.S. Capitol January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. Barack Obama was re-elected for a second term as President of the United States. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

  • US-POLITICS-INAUGURATION-SWEARING IN-OBAMA

    US President Barack Obama speaks to Marian Robinson (L) , mother of First Lady Michelle Obama (R), as daughters Sasha (2nd L) and Malia (2nd R) look on during the 57th Presidential Inauguration ceremonial swearing-in at the US Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. AFP PHOTO/Jewel Samad (Photo credit should read JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images)

  • US-POLITICS-INAUGURATION-SWEARING IN-OBAMA

    US President Barack Obama waves to the corwd after taking the oath of office during the 57th Presidential Inauguration ceremonial swearing-in at the US Capitol on January 21, 2013 in Washington, DC. AFP PHOTO/Jewel Samad (Photo credit should read JEWEL SAMAD/AFP/Getty Images)