POLITICS

Godfrey Bloom's 15 Best Quotes From 'Guinea A Minute'

18/10/2013 12:35 BST | Updated 18/10/2013 14:35 BST
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Godfrey Bloom, UKIP's candidate for police commissioner of Humberside Police, holds a press conference in London today.

Godfrey Bloom knows how to be blunt.

Bloom dismissing sending international aid to "Bongo Bongo Land", at another point he joked that women "don't clean behind the fridge enough".

For a man who lives by the quip, Bloom's political career was derailed at the UKIP conference after jokingly calling a roomful of women "sluts".

In his new autobiography, 'Guinea A Minute', Bloom is just as trenchant in his comments on life, politics and the big issues.

HuffPost UK has managed to whittle down Bloom's observations to just 15 of his most trenchant insights.

Bloom fumes about the smoking ban, especially in places like private members clubs

  • "The maniacal anti smoking Adolf Hitler I suggest would not dare, had he won the war in 1945, to invoke such a rule on English gentlemen"

Bloom's thoughts on meeting "horsey women"

  • "You bump into them, impress them with your ginger nuts (Prince Harry willl know what I mean) and they want to get you in the saddle."

Bloom on how 'right-wing' Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson really is

  • "Secretly he is always sipping chardonnay with Samantha Cameron in Chipping Norton discussing curtains and recipes"

Bloom's thoughts on Bill Clinton's sex scandal with Monica Lewinsky

  • "It matters not what he got up to in the Oval Office, one might argue nice work if you can get it"

Bloom on the public mourning after Princess Diana's death in 1997

  • "Weeping and bawling reminiscent of an Arab nation at a state funeral where the culture demands heart on sleeve behaviour on such occasions. That the British had come to this made me deeply embarrassed... I sincerely hope never to see the like of it again"

Bloom on anti-hunt protesters

  • "The foam flecked, snarling, class warrior, bed sit dwellers who sit knitting balaclavas and surfing porn on the net"

Bloom on Tories

  • "The DNA of a banana is frighteningly similar to the DNA of a rural Conservative"

How Bloom would improve the calibre of politicians

  • "I would also make it illegal for any MP or MEP to take their seats without five years genuine comercial experience."

How Bloom would sort out the voting system

  • "Give the vote to a slightly more discerning, informed and appropriate electorate....the fact that you have a birth certificate which can prove you are over eighteen is not the best criterion to judge whether you are fit to elect an administration".

Bloom on the BBC

  • "The BBC trustees, their director generals, their presenters and the producers are broadly hostile to the United Kingdom. No one would ever accuse them of patriotism."

Bloom's suggestion to improve NHS waiting times

  • "If everybody had to pay a crisp £5 note for the benefit of an appointment, only returnable if the visit was actuallly merited, you would find that you could cut waiting times and the numbers in waiting rooms and free up doctors to actually help people who have a serious problem."

Bloom on Politicians

  • "Politicians are smooth talking sociopaths"

Bloom's advice for people thinking of visiting Thailand

  • "Watch out...that pretty dancing girl has probably got meat and two veg where you are trying to stuff the dollar bills"

Bloom's review of the Buenos Aires Alvear Palace Hotel:

  • "Vodka martinis to die for (and you do) Tango, crumpet and a girl who stands by the lift multi lingual and glamorous to indicate which one is available with the flourish of a Paul Daniels side kick'

Bloom's account of being rescued after a horse-riding accident:

  • "I came off yet again and knocked myself out. When I came round there was a bevy of beauties clustered about dismounted and mopping my brow. I was beginning to see why strapping explosives to yourself has some allure for those of that persuasion; I had clearly gone 'upwards'."

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