COMEDY

David Cameron's Victory Speech - A Translation

08/05/2015 17:05 | Updated 08 May 2015

SEE ALSO: Ed Miliband's Resignation Speech - Translated

We translate the speech David Cameron gave outside 10 Downing Street today, following his party's victory in the general election.

I’ve just been to see Her Majesty the Queen and I will now form a majority Conservative government.

I've just been to see Her Majesty the Queen and I tell you what: she purred.

I’ve been proud to lead the first coalition government in 70 years and I want to thank all those who worked so hard to make it a success, and in particular, on this day ,Nick Clegg.

I’ve been amazed to survive the first coalition government in 70 years and I want to thank all those who worked so hard to help us win this election, and in particular, on this day, Nick Clegg.

Elections can be bruising clashes of ideas and arguments - and a lot of people who believe profoundly in public service have seen that service cut short.

I have hugely enjoyed bruising our opponents - including a lot of people who believe profoundly in public services, who have seen those services cut.

Ed Miliband rang me this morning to wish me luck with the new government. It was a typically generous gesture from someone who is clearly in public service for all the right reasons.

Ed Miliband rang me this morning to wish me luck through gritted teeth. It was a typically pathetic gesture from someone who is clearly in public service for all the same-old lefty 'right-on' reasons.

The government I led did important work. It laid the foundations for a better future and now we must build on them.

The government I led did important work in f***ing things up for the Liberal Democrats. It laid the foundations for a better future without them, and now we must build on that by crushing Ukip too.

I truly believe we’re on the brink of something special in our country. We can make Britain a place where a good life is in reach for everyone who is willing to work and do the right thing.

I truly believe we're on the brink of something horrific in our country. We can make Britain a place where a good life is in reach for everyone who earns enough to be able to buy a house in London, afford private healthcare and never have to rely on benefits.

Our manifesto is a manifesto for working people and as a majority government we will be able to deliver all of it -indeed, it is the reason why I think majority government is more accountable.

Our manifesto is a manifesto for rich people and as a government with a very slender majority, we will try desperately to get it through parliament.

Three million apprenticeships, more help with childcare, helping 30m people cope with the cost of living by cutting their taxes, building homes that people are able to buy and own, creating millions more jobs that give people the chance of a better future. And yes, we will deliver that in-out referendum on our future in Europe.

Seven hundred thousand people on zero hours contracts, increasing child poverty, hurting the disabled and vulnerable by cutting their benefits, enforcing a deeply flawed policy that won't tackle the housing crisis, implementing a further £12bn of benefit cuts. And yes, we will withdraw from the European Court of Human Rights.

As we conduct this vital work, we must ensure that we bring our country together.

To get away with all this, we must ensure that we divide our country even more deeply.

As I said in the small hours of this morning: we will govern as a party of one nation, one United Kingdom. That means ensuring this recovery reaches all parts of our country from north to south, from east to west, and indeed it means rebalancing our economy, building that northern powerhouse.

As I said in the small hours of this morning, when I was delirious with power and lack of sleep: we will govern as a party of two nations, two United Kingdoms. That means ensuring the rich become richer and the poor become poorer.

It means giving everyone in our country a chance, so no matter where you’re from you have the opportunity to make the most of our life. It means giving the poorest people the chance of training, a job and hope for the future. It means that for children who don’t get the best start in life, there must be the nursery education and good schooling that can transform their life chances. And of course it means bringing together the different nations of our United Kingdom.

It means giving everyone in our country a chance, so no matter which public school you went to, you have the opportunity to be a Tory cabinet member. It means removing the safety net of welfare. It means that more children will go to unaccountable free schools. And of course it means bringing together the different nations of our United Kingdom, although I've got no f***ing clue how to do that with the Scots.

I have always believed in governing with respect.

I have always believed in governing with arrogance.

That’s why in the last parliament we devolved power to Scotland and Wales and gave the people of Scotland a referendum on whether to stay inside the United Kingdom.

That’s why we were absolutely bricking it in the final days of the Scottish independence referendum, and made a load of promises we're regretting now.

In this parliament, I will stay true to my word and implement as fast as I can the devolution that all parties agreed for Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland. Governing with respect means recognising that the different nations of our United Kingdom have their own governments as well as the United Kingdom government. Both are important, and indeed with our plans, the governments of these nations will become more powerful, with wider responsibilities. In Scotland, our plans are to create the strongest devolved government anywhere in the world, with important powers over taxation. And no constitutional settlement would be complete if it did not offer also fairness to England.

I'm still absolutely bricking it over Scotland. And Ukip.

When I stood here five years ago, our country was in the grip of an economic crisis.

When I stood here five years ago, the world was in the grip of a global financial crisis.

Five years on, Britain is so much stronger - but the real opportunities lie ahead.

Five years on, the rich in Britain are so much stronger - but the real opportunities to screw things up for the poor and vulnerable lie ahead.

Everything I’ve seen over the last five years, and indeed during this election campaign, has proved once again that this is a country with unrivalled skills and creativeness, a country with such good humour and such great compassion.

When I've been forced to meet the public over the last five years, especially during this election campaign, I've seen that this is a country with unrivalled skills and creativeness, which my government has done absolutely nothing to nurture or support.

And I’m convinced that if we draw on all of this, then we can take these islands with our proud history and build an ever prouder future.

And I'm convinced that if the privileged few look out for each other, then we can take these islands and completely f*** things up for everyone else.

Together, we can make Great Britain greater still.

Together, we can make Great Britain greater for the rich.

Thank you.

Thank you, Rupert Murdoch.

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David Cameron - General Election 2015
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