16/10/2015 16:42 BST | Updated 03/05/2016 11:11 BST

How To Be Cool, According To Vogue

Do you want to be cool? The kind of cool even cool people would think is cool? The kind that leaves a trail of copy-cats in your wake and turns admirers to ice with one withering stare?

Well, according to British Vogue, this is how you do it. Within the hallowed pages of the fashion bible's new November issue, sits '30 New Codes Of Cool' - an article listing 30 ways that, you too, can reach the loftiest of pop-culture heights this season.

Some advice we can get on board with: "visit Camber Sands", "wear slouchy boots", "try acupuncture" - these are all perfectly reasonable things to tell a person.

But then something strange happens... Vogue out-Vogues itself, getting caught up in what seems like a barely comprehensible Zoolander-esque parody - hell bent on destroying the lives of anyone who reads it.

Here's 10 cool things Vogue wants you to do (but we really don't):

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1. Keep your bullshit food allergies to yourself.

"Save the abstruse dietary requirements for morning visits to The Juice Well, W1. After 6pm, they're just not sexy."

Yeah, so we know you might die if you eat those sesame seeds Karen but could you just shut the hell up about it.

2. Get a tiny fringe.

"Grow out the mullet: a shoulder sweeping chop and inch-short fringe is the calling card of the season. See hairstylist George Northwood for model Kiki Willem's style."

The weirdest thing about this, - aside from the fact that unless you are flawlessly beautiful these fringes will make you look terrible and take years to grow out, - is WHO HAD MULLETS? Were we supposed to have a mullet?

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3. Wear a bra to a club in Brixton.

"Wear Chloé's decadent smoking-lounge trousers with just an Eres bra to Local Brixton's high-jinks dance party."

Because, darlings, it's fine going south of the river if you're wearing couture.

4. Go to the pub.

"Meet you at the hotel bar? Not this time. Go off-piste and venture back to the pub."

Groundbreaking. Just. Groundbreaking. We're not quite sure when pubs became off-piste but it's probably around the time we started losing our heads up our steamed vaginas.

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5. Have tits.

"Break away from the cult of skinny. The woman who plumps for a generous cleavage goes intriguingly against the glam."

There is a lot wrong with this sentence, but we'll just leave you with the fact that a magazine that helped to invent said 'cult of skinny' is telling big-breasted women they're not typically 'glam'. Yay.

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6. Only communicate through clothes.

"Leave the friend request hanging and advocate retro dance moves instead. The "call me" t-shirt by skateboarder Alex Olson's cult label Nine One Seven should do the trick."

Are Vogue really telling you to sack off your friends for a t-shirt that says 'call me'? Yes. We can't help but think they have some sort of sinister secret anti-social media agenda here. "Leave Instagram, we dare you," they also urge.

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7. Wear sunglasses in the office.

"Add a rock-star edge to your office attire. Optician David Clulow will transform your summer shades with tinted prescription lenses."

Now Vogue has slowly isolated you from most of your friends and family, it's time to get you fired too.

8. Be insanely reckless with your cash.

"Don't deliberate on a purchase. Download Quiqup and have that Céline pompom scarf delivered to your desk in time for cocktail hour."

Forget that people are starving, spend your entire rent on a pompom scarf. *Laughs self off the face of the planet*

9. Get pissed.

"Channel the Brit spirit - cornish potato vodka Aval Dor tastes as luxuriously clean as sake."

OK, so you're friendless, fired and completely broke. It's obviously time to get drunk. But make sure you only do it on artisan potato-based spirits to keep up appearances.

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10. Wear a ball gown on the tube.

"Give a new meaning to rush hour: there's something indisputably romantic about taking the Tube in a dazzling evening gown long after the city has closed its doors."

This is a really easy way to get sectioned.


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