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The Northern Girl's Guide to Moving Down South

23/10/2015 10:33 BST | Updated 21/10/2016 10:12 BST

So you've decided to move down South - or should I say 'Saaaath'. Congratulations. You are stepping out of your comfort zone and about to embark upon far away lands with tropical climates, you can even take your July to August wardrobe with you in March. Be careful though, you are saying goodbye to anything battered.

Yes, it's all pretty daunting stuff... but before you cry into your chippy guy's apron, I need to give you a few tips on what to expect. It might make your stay in the South a little easier...but it probably won't.

Problem 1:

The first thing people will notice about you is your accent. There is only so long you can nod and smile at people. Believe me when I say, I've tried...

How old are you then Anna?

*nods like a maniac*

You will get found out. Of course, our accent is nothing to be ashamed of. On the contrary, it is something to be applauded. But trust me, when you get in excess of 20 people asking you about it... Every day....For over four years... It becomes annoying.

How To Overcome:

LIE. Explaining where Blackburn is situated, for people who think that the North is 'Birmingham' is never going to be an easy task. So I lie. And my lie generally goes a little something like this, 'I'm from Bournemouth.' Simple. People sometimes question this lie, in which case you add your own embellishments. 'I'm from the travelling community/ I'm a sheep farmer who lives in a very rural part of Bournemouth / I'm Amish / My Dad belongs to an international collective of mafia bosses so I travel quite a lot.'

Problem 2:

No matter how clever/gorgeous/amazing you are, nobody cares that you won 5 nobel peace prizes or have a pet dodo. People want to watch you drink a pint. Or eat a pie. Or mutter a few expletives in your 'funny northern accent'.

How To Overcome:

If these people are your friends, get it over and done with quickly. Do it all at the same time. If you do not know these fools, tell them to 'do one'.

Problem 3:

People in the South have invented words which have not reached the borders of the elusive North. Let me give you an example, when somebody says 'Wa Gwan' do not mistake this for somebody clearing their throat. I made this mistake, foolishly asking 'Are you OK? Do you want a drink? Are you poorly?' which as you can imagine, was met with some bewildered looks.

How To Overcome:

If you hear a word that you do not understand, get your phone out and get on Urban Dictionary stat. This will then give you some clue as to whether to offer this person your assistance and medical expertise or engage them in intellectual conversation.

Problem 4:

If you say 'pants' be aware that people will think you are referring to your under crackers. And if you are recalling a horrific experience when it rained and your 'pants were soaking wet' be aware that people will think you have a urinary tract infection.

How To Overcome:

Ensure you gauge eye contact with your subject and if they have a look of disgust on their face, quickly mention that you, of course, mean your trousers. Also, ensure that you advise them 'we call them pants at home' so as your subject is aware if you make this slip up again.

Problem 5:

Brown sauce does not come as standard in the south. When asking for brown sauce to go along with your 'chippy tea' you will ultimately end up with chips and barbecue sauce. And you will forget to differentiate the difference to your local chip shop worker. So this will happen on more than one occasion.

How To Overcome:

Carry a bottle of HP in your bag at all times. Whether you are on a night out or simply taking a trip to the local corner shop for milk. Northern girls cannot live without brown sauce.