THE BLOG

The Election: An Idiot's Guide

21/04/2015 16:36 BST | Updated 20/06/2015 10:59 BST

On May 7th we decide which shower of shit we want leading the country. Fringe politicians aside, there are 7 party leaders to choose from, all of which are as likeable as Katie Hopkins. With so many awful humans to choose from the electorate could witness one of the most open elections ever, with no clear winner in sight, and various coalition options available.

Will tactical voting yield results, or will a large portion of the country (once again) vote for a smaller party to stop the Tories getting in, only to see the Tories get in, and the smaller party is then wiped off the face of the earth because they let the Tories get in?

The truthful answer is: No-one really cares. Because whoever gets in will continue with painful austerity (except the Greens, who won't get in) and will leave the NHS in a worse state than when they found it.

Nothing will change.

If the NHS isn't fully privatised in the next parliament I predict it will be held together by plasters and bandages by 2020. Luckily they're not in short supply.

So, fun times ahead, but which clown will you choose to provide the lols for the next five years? Here's a rundown of the main political parties for idiots, aka 'The British Public', who can only consume content via numerical lists. That's the same British public who petitioned for Katie Hopkins to be sacked by the Sun, instead of petitioning to boycott the Sun for employing her. Google 'Imbeciles' for more information.

1) DAVID CAM-MORON: CONSERVATITS.

(It's funny because he's actually very well educated).

The bloke with a thumb for a face will do two main things if he wins the election: 1) Make sure the poor and middle class know their place, and then tax that place - Specifically their spare bedroom. 2) The rich are lovely and aren't the cause of any of this nation's problems, even the banking crisis, so they should be rewarded with tax cuts and/or bonuses, and shouldn't have to spend a penny/lift a finger to fix Broken Britain, and they'd never spend a minute in jail either. The Tories are a party of fairness. You CANNOT argue with that.

2) ED MILIBANTZ: NEW NEW LABOUR.

If you think Cameron is devoid of a personality just wait to you watch Ed Milibland speak. Along with Steve Bruce he is the only man to survive putting his face in a blender. If politicians were made in factories they would all resemble Ed Miliband. Not his face, that would be terrible, I mean that they'd all have his gestures, his patronising tone of voice, and his ability to look down a camera lens and make you vomit into your mouth. It's a vote-winning formula, I don't know why some people hate him.

Ed Miliband is the politician version of painting by numbers, but sadly the artist was clearly Picasso.

Rightly or wrongly the media (and bloggers you've never heard of) focus on Miliband's looks, and his weirdness, rather than his policies. In fact, no-one actually knows any of Labour's policies, even Ed himself. He's far too busy failing to look normal.

3) PRICK CLEGG: LIBERAL DEMOCUNTS.

Believe it or not - I am a political comedian. And believe it or not - Sometimes I struggle with audiences, especially ones that aren't politically savvy, who will stare angrily at me like I'm Nick Clegg in a Student's Union (which is a reference they wouldn't understand).

I remember a year ago I was driving to a gig in Hastings wondering if the crowd have ever seen Newsnight, or find satire funny. But as I entered the town I was reminded that the local and European Elections were taking place because I saw a huge banner on a house that read ' VOTE LIBERAL DEMOCRAT', and I thought to myself "Phew! They DO have a sense of humour!" And the gig was great.

4) OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR, NIGEL FARAGE: UKIP.

Our Nige insists that UKIP aren't a racist party because some of UKIP's best mates are black, e.g. Robert Mugabe. Paloma Faith was asked on BBC's 'This Week' if she'd ever vote UKIP and said "Absolutely no way", which is surprising as people of her age are usually very right-wing.

UKIP are very anti-immigration but it's not EU migrants that overstay their UK Visas, it is in fact - The Australians. Which is illegal, it's a crime... if only there was some far away place we could send them. Preferably some kind of prison-island. But sadly nowhere like that exists.

UKIP supporters are the kind of people who were upset that a dog once won 'Broken Britain's Got Talent', but they're even more annoyed when some Hungarians won it the very next year!!

If a Hungarian dog wins it this year the UKIP supporter cannot even move abroad in protest, because of all the foreigners living over there. The irony is - All the foreigners will actually be over here looking for work and taking our jobs, so UKIP supporters could've settled wherever they wanted abroad, without seeing one single native. Like the good ol' days of the British Empire... y'know, after we killed all the natives.

5) TWATALIE BENNETT: GREEN PARTY.

Ms Bennett is not only a woman, she's also a liberal AND from another country, which is bound to go down really well with the online community, who are usually very very tolerant.

The Green Party are currently hotter than Climate Change itself, enjoying more support than ever before. However the reality is they are probably as isolated as a polar bear on a melting ice-cap, and will probably sink without trace too.

6) JIMMY WALES: THE WALES PARTY.

Jimmy isn't her real name, I haven't bothered to learn it but I will check on Wikipedia later.

7) NICOLA STURGEON: THE SN(A)P 'I GOT DA POWER' PARTY.

Despite being a dead ringer for Wee Jimmy Krankie, Nicola Sturgeon has impressed in the televised election debates and she could yield some form of power, if only her and Ed could get along. They're already fighting in public, and they're not even married yet.

Sturgeon has got the PM running scared, but will her political career be lengthy, or as short as a Glaswegian's temper? And will anyone describe this Scottish party WITHOUT resorting to crude stereotypes? Please answer 'Yay' or 'Get tae fuck'.

You've just wasted a couple of minutes reading this garbage. If you fancy wasting a WHOLE EVENING come to 'Austerity Pleasures', the satirical stand-up show, in Brighton on Thursday 30th April (a week before the election).

You can get in for free if you click 'going' on the facebook event:

https://www.facebook.com/events/1378194315813470/

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