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Tony Blair and His Non-Affair with Wendi Deng - Has There Ever Been Such A Laughable Love-Note In Human History?

07/02/2014 14:34 GMT | Updated 09/04/2014 10:59 BST

In these dim, dark days, there are many things to enjoy about Tony Blair's non-affair with Rupert Murdoch's ex, Wendi Deng.

Wendi and Tony have contributed greatly not just to the national merriment but to the merriment of the world. Thank you! A grateful globe salutes you!

But one thing I noticed... Not that it detracts in any way from Wendi's many charms, but...

I'd always thought that in order to have snagged a player like Rupert, Wendi was going to be this really classy, sophisticated woman.

And yet...

How to put this politely?

Her English is so laughably bad that it is beyond parody.

Now I'm fully aware that English is Wendi's second language, and good effort, of course, for giving it a go, and who am I to mock a Chinese woman for having a stab at writing about her love for Tony.

But still!

Her writing, which has all the strident passion of a 13-year-old in the throes of her first crush, is toe-curlingly hilarious.

In fact - maybe that's it. The whole damn thing has got to be a hoax, because no-one, not on this earth, could genuinely write like that. Least of all a 40-something woman who was married to one of the most powerful men on earth.

There are a lot of choice phrases from Wendi's outpourings about not just Tony but also her old flame, Google boss Eric Schmidt.

But my favourite - by far: "I'm not ever feel sad about losing Eric."

Close your eyes and you can all but hear Wendi say those words - "I'm not ever feel sad about losing Eric" - though in a slightly whiny, petulant, high-maintenance tone.

Other gems from Wendi's notebook?

How about: "Whatever why I'm so missing Tony."

"Whatever why" ... It has a lovely, almost poetic ring to it; Shakespeare would have penned those words if he'd been writing about our two star-cross'd lovers. I would pay money to hear Wendi say that phrase out loud.

Then - one last belter: "I achieved my purpose of Eric saw me looking so gorgeous and so fantastic and so young, so cool, so chic, so stylish, so funny and he cannot have me."

No you cannot have her, Mr Schmidt - and boy I'll bet you're regretting the day you dropped Wendi for that second-rater who you're currently hanging out with...

At the end of it all, we are left with Wendi's loss and ineffable longing. She sees Tony striding across the stage yet knows that he is for ever beyond her reach. "Also I love his power on the stage... and what else and what else and what else..."

And what else, indeed, Wendi? Through these words, we feel your pain.

* One other teeny, tiny footnote on Wendi's Blair-crush. What on earth does Cherie Blair - never shy of shooting her mouth off - have to say about her husband spending nights alone with Wendi in Rupert's mansion-house? One wonders and one wonders and one wonders...