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Why French Men Would Rather Die Than Diet

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My beau is the typical French gourmand. A meal isn't complete without red meat, a glass of Bordeaux and rounded off with an oozy chevre.

When I first visited him I'd hardly set foot in Paris and was whisked off to a dejeuner en terrasse, glass of rose obligatoire! Evenings chez nous are filled with aperos or mini snacking - 'amuse bouches' of foie gras, saucisson and smoked salmon as the French call them, bites that tickle your palate. This is all before a slap up steak supper!

We went to the comemmorative Monet exhibition last year - he was drawn of course to dejeuner sur l'herbe. The rumblings in his stomach triggered by the painte picnic were so loud we had to head straight to the cocktail dinatoire. He even talks in the language of cuisine -
beaujolais cushions, pistachio coloured dress and of course my peach bottom. I could of course go further...

Recently I have been on a health kick - cutting out fats, processed carbs and meat and doing lots and lots of sport. I have even started boxing which is a sight to behold.
This is all rather unsavoury for my beau. Less fine food and more exercise are a living nightmare. He has in fact learnt many tricks to avoid them. I share these with you all should your fella try the same.

Trick number one - 'I feel weak...'

One Saturday we had grazed lightly - including two scoops home made ice cream in town. We then hit the gym. After 20 mins exercise and my beau went all shaky claiming hypoglycemia. Bread was the cure. Of course.

Trick number two - 'I did not realise it was fattening.'

He will pick at crudites and then pretends he doesnt know that the other apero snacks like pate are fatty. Or he will order a lean steak bnand scoff the bearnaise gloop as 'its just a bit of sauce'.

Trick number 3 - 'Orders light but sneaks in a naughty side order or eats my food.'

The result is I'm getting skinnier and he is getting bigger. Its the very opposite of Jack Sprat who ate no fat and his wife who ate no lean. When we go to our favourite bar at le Royal Monceau he will act all virtuous and order a salmon salad refusing the bagel but swipe my fries when I'm not looking.

Trick number 4 - 'Order a small snack secretly knowing a bigger snack around the corner.'

My dad was an expert at this one - he would choose a starter and a main course in restaurants. Puddings were too rich and sweet for him. Then the moment the creme brulees and tiramisus arrived he would say he was still a little peckish and join us after all with an ice cream. The other day we had been training and my beau was ravenous afterwards. He bought a snack - a veg spring roll - even though lunch with friends beckoned. I accused him of double lunching. He denied it saying he had burnt 400 calories. I barked back that he had ingested them already with his mayonnaise filled roll.

Trick number 5 - the last trick is to go food shopping on an empty stomach.

This one is the dangerous one. There is no consumption of things naughty but nice but you are instantly drawn to them. In vain I drag us around the dried fruits and whole earth snacks - but the cheese counter is like a temptress. Especially our local fromagerie as they give you chunks to sample which for my beau do not count as eating.

Things however came to a head recently at the gym. A 6 ft ++ coach jumped on the scales and much to my beau's annoyance weighed the same as him. The boys then got into a chat about the pros and cons of regimes. For my beau regime is a more acceptable expression than diet.

They talked about the Dukan diet. Guaranteed 10 kilos loss in a few weeks but then someone chipped in that you put it back on after and that it can make you constipated for weeks. It must have been a hilarious sight - big burly chaps in their underpants all gossiping about their bodies. A fellow media guy then said he eats all he wants but trains 5 times a week at 6am.

My beau had some decisions to make before unveiling his new beach body in Corsica this summer. It was a no brainer. Sport and a few modifications to his habits. So far it has worked. He has lost 3 kilos. 7 more to go.

It is ironic that French men are so far from French women who are obsessed with their bodies. Pharmacies are full of slimming potions, gels and pills. I know many who smoke so they don't eat. They also do the Posh Spice thing of nibbling slowly, taking small bites and leaving half of their meal. Its about time the French guys got on board. Paris is littered with old pot belly men and young stick thin women.

My beau is naturally stocky and chunky so just needs trimming up.

Though hang on. Hideous thought. He gets heaps of female attention already. Omg - imagine him with a full 6 pack. He will be a femme magnet! Note to self to buy him some eclairs on the way home. Vive la gourmandise!!