To The Baby I Will Never Have

28/04/2017 15:32
Thanasis Zovoilis via Getty Images

Hello baby,

I'm your mummy.

Aren't you a sweetheart? You have my dark, dark eyes I see. What a beauty. And you are so warm in my arms, you feel wonderful, little child of mine.

I wanted to pen you some words before I forget them. Well, before I chase them from my mind in the pretense of preferring a package holiday and a good night's sleep.

I just wanted to tell you that I love you. That I'm proud of everything that I never gave you a chance to become. I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry that I put myself in a position where I would never meet you.

I wanted to tell you that I think about you every day. About what you might have been. I think about how it feels to hold you in the middle of the night, my eyelids drooping, dripping with the insanity of tiredness. I think about the sweet, sickly smell of formula. I think of burning my hands with the milk, too hot. Waiting.

I just wanted to chat with you awhile. I needed you to know that I wanted you desperately. If things were different maybe you would be here with me now, on my knee. Laughing. Crying.

I can't wait to get to know you, my hopes say. I can't wait to see your little legs kicking - I can't wait to try and decipher the messages your eyes are sending me. I feel your fingers tightening around my own - don't worry - I am here. I am always here. Just be patient.

Will you know me? Will you recognise my face, I wonder. The feel of my skin, the smell of our bedding, enveloping you in a sleepy embrace. God I love you so, little one. I know we will be the best of friends.

You see, little babe, I felt you once. I thought you were here. With me. But I was mistaken. I was scared, but very excited to meet you. It was just my imagination.

I wanted to apologise for being selfish. For being too scared, scarred, by the first time round. For being too selfish to want to divide my heart into even more pieces. I truly am sorry.

I needed to write a couple of lines to you, to say goodbye. Because every time I think of you, part of me dies and I shrink further away from my life. Further away from my life.

Our best times will be those dusky days, dancing on the grass with the tiny blades tickling your toes. You will laugh, and I will laugh, and you will laugh again, and I will hold you so tightly and I will pray to God to please, please let this moment last forever.

I don't want to take up too much of your time, but I just wanted you to know that I love you. I need to stop dreaming of you now, but I wish you every happiness. You feel wonderful.

Goodbye my sweet one. How I will miss you so.

With all the love in the world.

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