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Revealed: The Newspaper of the Future

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What will the newspaper of the future look like in - say - 2086? Media experts share their prophecies.

The paper of the future
"Rather than wrapping fish 'n' chips, tomorrow's technologically advanced electronic newspapers will be interactive - and edible. You will literally be able to eat Jan Moir's face as she reads aloud her review of the 2086 grand final of Great British Bake Off presented by Mel & Sue's re-animated corpses."
Jeremy Fukbaskaets, media analyst

The content of the future

"By 2017, the Hunstanton Bugle will use 100% user generated content and be staffed entirely by community managers rather than journalists. Headlines will include things like: 'I Heard That Fellow Living On Trumpton Street Has Got Himself A Thai Bride - Exclusive by 67 year-old Mrs Joan Willis of Custard Close.' And even weekly user generated restaurant reviews: 'I Ain't Going To Nando's Again - I Saw Joe Dip His C*** In The Peri Peri Sauce Man [One star] - by Joe's mate Si (15).'"
Tom Wroxham, PR

Celebrity and the tabloids

"A few months ago I broke open the John Smith's for good old Lord Leveson, thinking that those tabloid b**tards wouldn't be coming near any of us ever again. Who cares what I've done with a researcher in a cupboard? She was on the pill - apparently. Since last week though - f***."
Todd Bixelby, comedian and TV presenter

Integration of print, broadcast, web and social
"Imagine a lovely kitten sitting on a lawn. She's fluffy and called Claire! Now imagine three little blackbirds land on the grass. Then a squirrel hops over. A puppy bounds up next, barking - but in that sort of high-pitched way that puppies do! Finally an unbelievably cute seven year-old boy called Oscar runs over clutching a radio controlled car. Then they all start playing a game of Top Trumps. That's integration!"
Oulu Franchester-Hellcombe, digital social futurical cyborg

Paying for a newspaper
"All content will be free - all hacks will write for newspapers for free and make money from books and appearances on The Wright Stuff. Personally I'm fine with this. Like most columnists I use my space every week, or indeed interviews I do talking about the media - or sex - to plug my latest book. I'll say something like: 'My new book The Man Hooker Prize: Why Do Some Girls Win The Prize For Hooking A Man But I Never Do?' is out now. Then I'll call the sub and tell them I'll rip their throat out if they don't print that line again at the bottom of the interview."
Lara Crumble, magazine features writer and columnist

American newspapers
"We call 'em 'sliders' now. Not because papers' sales are sliding - though of course they are. Nope, because you need a lot of 'em to satisfy you. Also how are you supposed to flick between the sports and porno if you're reading a newspaper? It's over, friends."
Cory Oranges Jr., publisher of New York-based media gossip website www.porkbarrel-porkies.com

The journalists of the future
"Do you think your darling little grandson or granddaughter is going to sit on your knee and say: 'Grandma, I want to work long hours for poor money and heroically battle established elites, tell uncomfortable truths, and hold up a mirror to a society which increasingly seems to have fractured into a million different pieces like so much of a metaphysically distressing Kantian proclamation come true'? No. They're going to say: 'Me wanna be app developer.'"
Fifififi Gramercy-Park, philosopher and author of "Me-dia, I-dea, You-dea or Us-dea: Would Hegel Be Happy Or Heartbroken If He Picked Up A Copy Of Metro And Flicked Straight To Pet Of The Day?"

The Journalists of the future
[Laughs...silence...muffled tears]
Emaline Stretton, journalist, Birmingham

Lara Crumble's new book 'The Man Hooker Prize: Why Do Some Girls Win The Prize For Hooking A Man But I Never Do?' is out now (Discrepancy Publishing)