This week I'm showing you the other side of the coin.
Because as much as we don't want to be giving up on relationships because they aren't 'perfect', we also don't want to be selling ourselves short and settling for less than we want, need and deserve in a relationship either.
We all have an idea in our mind of what we want out of our relationship, and how we would like it to be. While we need to be conscious of seeking perfection from ourselves, from our partner (or potential partner) or from our relationship, we also need to be careful that we don't compromise ourselves for the sake of a relationship.
In that idea of how we would like our relationship to be, there are some things that are 'nice to haves if possible', there are some things that are 'would really want to haves' and then there are some that are the 'must haves': the deal-breakers.
As much as we want to avoid holding up an impossible standard of perfection, we also want to make sure that we're not compromising on our deal-breakers just to try and make a relationship work.
Love is a powerful force, and sometimes feeling loved by another person can cause us to question the values that we hold most dear....and sometimes if it deteriorates over time we don't even notice it happening. However it's important to love yourself enough to know that you deserve a relationship that honours and meets your highest values.
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Different people have different deal-breakers, but we all have them. Whether yours include honesty, kindness, openness, fidelity, respect, integrity or a good sense of humour, it's important to ensure that you respect yourself enough not to sacrifice the qualities that are most important to you for someone else.
So am I saying that the second someone breaks one of these values you should kick them to the curb? Not necessarily.
We all make mistakes in life...I can't say that I've lived my highest values every second of every day of my life without exception, but I don't break them on a regular basis either.
So if someone makes a mistake and breaks one of your highest values once, it CAN sometimes be an opportunity for you to communicate with each other, to connect, to understand each other better and to actually grow as a couple. If you can be open and honest about the situation, how you feel about it, and they understand and are genuinely willing to honour the values that you hold in highest regard going forward, it can be a situation that is not only overcome, but strengthens your relationship.
However, if a pattern emerges of the other person neglecting to meet your deal-breakers, then I would strongly recommend taking a step back and considering if this relationship is really serving you and meeting your needs, and potentially seeking help and advice from an expert to help you figure out the best decision for you (click here if you'd like to find out more about getting help from Love Polarity & Passion with a situation like this).
...and as a relationship specialist, there are a few patterns of behaviour that if you experience them with your partner, I would strongly recommend seeking professional help or advice sooner rather than later:
- Abusive behaviour - Physical, mental, verbal, emotional, sexual...abuse can come in many forms, if you're experiencing any kind of abuse in your relationship it's important to get some advice on how to deal with the situation.
- A pattern of dishonesty - Honesty is the bedrock of any relationship, without it your relationship is based on false beliefs rather than reality, if your partner can't be honest with you or you can't be honest with them it's time to seek some advice.
- A pattern of infidelity - If either partner has chosen on numerous occasions to be unfaithful in a relationship which is based on an understanding or expectation of monogamy there are some fundamental challenges in the relationship that could benefit from some professional insights.
- An active addiction that is not being addressed - Addiction can also come in many forms, drink, drugs, gambling, sex, to name just a few. As addictions have such a hold on the addict, if the addiction is not being addressed it can have a huge impact on the relationship as well, so seeking some guidance can definitely help.
- Controlling / Manipulative behaviour - If either partner feels the need or desire to control or manipulate the other, or either partner feels controlled or manipulated by the other it can subtly (and sometimes not-so subtly) erode the relationship, seeking help and advice on these behaviours is definitely advised.
As with everything in life, the key to this is Balance. We need to find the sweet spot between looking perfection and sacrificing our core needs and values. In my experience having between 6-12 real deal-breakers is pretty reasonable.
When the numbers start going up too far from there, I'd ask yourself whether they really are deal-breakers? If your perfect partner showed up tomorrow but had that one quality, would it be enough to turn them away? Likewise, if you've got many less than that I'd ask you to check in with yourself that you're really looking after your needs in the relationship.
So now I'd like to hear from you: What are your deal-breakers? What questions do you have about settling, looking for perfection and finding the balance in between? Leave me a comment below to share your thoughts and questions.
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Wishing You Love,
Claire x