THE BLOG

What Personal Trainers Really Think

26/03/2014 10:43 GMT | Updated 25/05/2014 10:59 BST

I used to work in a gym for around 6 years and if you go to a gym you've probably wondered what's going on in our heads.

Well let me share a few of those thoughts:

If you wear lots of makeup

We think you're an idiot. Your mascara is running and your smudged eyeliner makes you look like a pirate. This is not an attractive look unless you're into clowns.

If your workout is just a walk on the treadmill

Fair enough, you might carry an injury or be overweight; we know this, all good. But if you think the gym is a fitness placebo, then we find that kinda funny. And you probably drove here.

If you're really overweight

We salute you. We know you're self conscious, we know you think everyone else is thinner and fitter, yeah we know you think that. But you've got courage and that's totally awesome.

If we see someone really fit i.e. literally fit and not the other fit

We'll try and race you or something equally childish because we're insecure and competitive.

If you're working out super hard

We dig that. Go you!

If you're fit i.e metaphorically fit and not literally fit

Some of us will find some lame way of flirting. Be it assisted stretching or something else, we'll think of something. The levels of 'douchebaggery' vary depending on the PT. I was always a consummate professional, but some colleagues - I would euphemistically say - exploited their position blatantly, and that's for another blog post.

We know you find us attractive

Because you are drunk at the Christmas party and you have me in a headlock and won't let me go. Because you have just given me £100 and a box of chocolates. And a bottle of whisky. Because you are asking me lots of weird questions after our last session, in a restaurant, in a West End bar MUST STOP PSB REFERENCES!!

We feel guilty

Because we are telling a client to cut down on alcohol and eat healthily but at the weekend we were eating ice cream and drinking till 7AM. And smoking.

We are frustrated

Because you can't perform an exercise - either for technical reasons or otherwise - it means we have temporarily failed as teachers. And we hate failure.

Anon writes

I can smell whether you're healthy or not

"I can usually tell if you've been drinking the night before - what specifically, and how much. I've a very sensitive sense of smell. If someone's about to get ill - even when they can't tell themselves - I can often tell. Alcohol is the big one. Chronic drinkers have a signature smell. Over-taxed liver. The obese have a signature scent. Skinny older women have another, common scent. To me it's slightly rank, like pot pourri or a urinal cake. Freckly people have quite a nutty smell. Some middle-aged men - usually successful businessmen who've neglected their health - have a distinct, synthetic-mushroom-soup sort of smell. It's not wholly unpleasant, just kind of odd."

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So what do you think? What did you think we thought about? PS Anon is obviously a bit of an out-lier so mibbs discount that last point...