Nobody Asked for Your Opinion on Gay Sex

11/08/2016 14:50 | Updated 11 August 2016
Buda Mendes via Getty Images

Gay sex. Don't some straight people just love talking about it? Tops. Bottoms. Versatiles. Rimming. Orgies. BDSM. Fisting. And that's just the stuff in my Pornhub search history (sorry, mam).

The latest example of this comes courtesy of the Daily Beast, whose (straight) reporter was sent to wander round the Olympic Village in Rio, chatting to athletes on Grindr, then having a chuckle when some of the gay (closeted or otherwise) users wanted to meet up with him.

At one point in the ensuing article, the writer is shocked when one of the men he's deliberately accosting to use for his clickbait asks him for a photo of his penis (his joke at the expense of gay men is over the second one of them tries to be an active participant, it seems), while later he's aghast when he gets an offer for sex at 5.30 in the afternoon.

Apparently heterosexual sex only takes place behind closed doors under the cover of darkness, another reason I'm glad that's an avenue that I haven't ever perused.

The aim of the article - which has since been updated to remove personal details making it pretty easy to decipher several of the athletes' identities - remains a mystery. I'm still unsure what point the author was hoping to make, other than 'gay men exist, even at the Olympics, and they want to have sex'.

This sort of thing proves once again that it doesn't matter whether you're a gold medalist, or an award-winning actor or whatever it is you've achieved, even if it's on a world-class level. If you're a gay person, then that's what you are, first and foremost. And that means your sex life is an open book, ready to be dissected and discussed, whether you're actually participating in the debate or not.

And do you know what? I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of being asked about my sex life by insensitive strangers I meet out and about, I'm sick of having elements of gay sex "explained" for a straight audience by hetero reporters, and I'm sick of gay men being used as a case study.

We are not zoo animals, we aren't a thing to be taken apart and examined, we're human beings, going about our business and occasionally trying to get a shag when we get a spare moment.

So if I want to go out and get shagged in the middle of the afternoon, then guess what, I will go out and have sex in the middle of the afternoon. That's my choice, and it's not yours to pass comment on.

I won't be holding a Q&A afterwards so you can write an article slyly passing judgment out of the corner of your mouth, and I won't be taking part in your '10 Things You Always Wanted To Ask A Gay Man About Sex But Always Felt Too Nervous' video to make my choices more palatable to heterosexuals. Because why do straight people even care who I have sex with?

'It's no one's business' feels like a cliché that's been dragged out a million times before in situations like this to the point I can't believe I'm actually saying it now - and yet, here we are. So let me say this once again, nice and loud, for the folks in the cheap seats.

What gay people get up to is none of your business. It does not affect you. You don't get a trophy for approving, and your disapproval affects nothing. So just get into it, mate.

Anyway, I'm wrapping this up now. There's a hung vers who can accom 360 feet away and my lunch hour is nearly here...