There was no 'Big Three' last week, because I was on my holidays. I'd love to tell you I was off galavanting, sipping a piña colada on a lilo or doing some nude paddle boarding around Sardinia, but the truth is I spent the week with my mam in Newcastle. It was wild, we went to Morrisons, like, three times.
Here are three of the week's biggest new releases, and some opinions I have on them.
1. DJ Snake - 'Let Me Love You', feat. Justin Bieber
It feels like just two weeks ago I was reviewing a dance track with a Justin Bieber feature on it, which is probably because it was literally two weeks ago. Bloody Justin Bieber songs are like bloody night buses aren't they? Except a Justin Bieber song doesn't smell faintly of McDonald's and sick.
Anyway, 'Let Me Love You'. It's out, and it sounds like a Justin Bieber song. There's not really a great deal to be said other than that. There's a nice bit towards the end where a distorted voice sings something about never letting someone go, and there's a bit after the chorus I imagine is intended to make heterosexual people want to dance with each other. Other than that... it's fairly unremarkable, if I'm honest.
Bet you're glad you read this now, right?
That glowing assessment has no doubt inspired you to give 'Let Me Love You' "a spin" for yourself, which you can do below:
Brief sidenote: did everybody see the new Britney Spears album artwork this week? My. Goodness. I have so much to say, but I won't, because I'm rooting for Britney and don't wish to be mean-spirited. But it's nice to see there's still a place for WordArt in 2016.
Inspired by this, how many terrible Britney album covers out of five does 'Let Me Love You' rack up?
2. Tove Lo - 'Cool Girl'
I saw Tove Lo live last year. I'd love to say that I was ahead of the curve, and was into a new artist long before everyone else, but the truth of the matter is, I'd never heard any of her songs in my life when I went, but my friends were all going to the gig and I was paranoid that they'd all have a good time without me if I wasn't there.
As usual, my FOMO turned out to be to my advantage, because apart from a few heavy-handed try-hard moments where she did a monologue about taking a load of drugs and snogging everyone, I had a really good time and it introduced me to her very, very good first album.
And guess what? Tove Lo (pronounced 'Too-vuh Loo' not 'Toave Low' or 'Toblerone') is now back, with a very good new song indeed. It starts out very dreamy and moody and mysterious, but then the chorus starts and things get all very 90s in the bassline and, as the title would suggest, very... well... cool.
As pop devotees may already be aware, Tove Lo knows her way around a catchy hook (songs she's co-written include Girls Aloud's 'Something New' and Hillary Duff's criminally-underrated 'Sparks'), and she's definitely delivered with this chorus, which gets better and better with every play.
Basically, scroll down a bit and hit play. It's really good:
Not sure what she's doing in that single artwork, but she appears to be licking in a doughnut in an apparent tribute to the Queen Of High Ponytails And Poorly-Enunciated Choruses, Ariana Grande.
And speaking of questionable artwork, here are four Britney Spears albums in a row.
3. Sam Bailey - 'Sing My Heart Out'
I should probably preface this by saying, I've always had a soft spot for Sam Bailey, and was always disappointed with the way she was handled both by her record label off the back of 'The X Factor', and by the media when she was eventually dropped.
The problem is, Simon Cowell does that thing on 'The X Factor' where he looks a dinnerlady or a shop assistant or a hairdresser in their early forties in the eye live on television and he says: "I know how badly you want this. And this competition exists for people like you."
But that's a bare-faced lie, if we're honest, isn't it? Because people like Sam Bailey come into the competition, win the whole thing and then he doesn't know what to do with them next. Sam Bailey is not Rihanna, she's not Miley Cyrus, she's not Ariana Grande, she's a mother of three from Leicester with a really bloody good voice.
More to the point, Sam didn't want to be Miley Cyrus, she didn't want to be Ariana Grande, she was just happy to be singing for a living. I know this because CLUNKETY CLUNK she told me herself: "I never once wanted to go up on the pedestal, I just wanted to be normal, and just sing."
In the end Syco did the predictable thing of shooting out a Sam Bailey covers album in time for Mother's Day, then dropping her when people started taking the piss. It's a shame, their attitude was clearly "this is going to be a number one regardless, let's just put out any old shite" when in reality they could have gone "this is going to be number one regardless, so why not show the public we believe in this really talented woman we've signed".
Fast-forward to today, and nearly three years on from her X Factor victory, Sam has unveiled her first ever original song. And do you know what? It's really good.
First off, 'Sing My Heart Out' is strikingly more current-sounding than you'd expect, and certainly more modern than anything Syco stuck her with on her debut album.
In fact, with its Ryan Tedder-esque drums, and lyrics about overcoming adversity by - you guessed it - singing her heart out, I hope Simon Cowell hears this song and realises what a wasted opportunity he had with Sam Bailey. She's not reinventing the wheel, and this isn't going to be on anyone's 'Best Of 2016' lists come December, but if Sam Bailey had a point to prove, I'm pleased to say I think she's well and truly made it.
While I step down off my soap box (who knew I was so passionate about Sam Bailey?), why don't you have a little listen to 'Sing My Heart Out' here:
Who's in the mood for some cheap-looking Britney album art?
Still, Sam's not exactly in a position to judge, is she?
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