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Ten Awkward Questions Straight People Ask Lesbians (And How to Inappropriately Answer Them)

27/10/2014 12:34 GMT | Updated 26/12/2014 10:59 GMT

Coming Out is hard to do, and it's amazing how curious everyone suddenly becomes. But how to handle the questioning? Like a grown up, with dignity and respect? Or if you fancy having little fun with it, here's how...

1. "Do you Scissor?"

Acceptable Answer - No, that's something Porn invented but rarely happens in real life.

Tempting Answer - Every morning. You have to, in order to be a lesbian, or you're not allowed in the club. I'd have to sit alone at the "faker" table at the annual meeting encased in shame and be shunned from the community. They may even revoke my Lesbian Licence and I'd have to return my "I Love Labia" t-shirt.

2. "Will you have a threesome with us?"

Acceptable Answer - Thank you, I'm flattered, but no.

Tempting Answer - Hooray! I've been just dying for you to ask. Of course, I'd love to, because that won't end up awkward or humiliating at all. You know, it's so rare to find someone who knows that the only reason I became a lesbian was to spice up the sex lives of couples who are struggling in the bedroom.

3. "Do you use a dildo?"

Acceptable Answer - Sometimes, depending on personal preference and availability of such object.

Tempting Answer - Of course. The presence of a phallic object is essential in lesbian sex. We can't possibly do without them.

4. "Don't you miss penis?"

Acceptable Answer - Like a hole in the head.

Tempting Answer - Yes, sometimes I lie awake at night, eyes welling, wondering how I'll get by without the joyful pleasure acquired by being poked incessantly by something attached to a hairy, sweating man most likely concerned only with his own satisfaction.

5. "How do you define if it's sex if nothings *gone in*?"

Acceptable Answer - We define sex as sexual activity that goes beyond heavy petting.

Tempting Answer - Well obviously we don't call it sex. God said sex is between a man and a woman, so it would be a sin to regard ourselves as having intercourse. We try not to think about it and hope our eternal souls will be forgiven on the day of judgement.

6. "Do you just hate men? Like, did some guy piss you off or something?"

Acceptable Answer - No, I am attracted to women. It's normal.

Tempting Answer - Well obviously. I had a boyfriend once who fancied Jennifer Anniston. When he told me about it, my world fell apart and I am so emotionally scarred that I can now only be with women. He should be truly ashamed of causing me to make this catastrophic and unnatural change to my lifestyle.

7. "Isn't a Strap-On uncomfortable?"

Acceptable Answer - No, they're designed to be "user-friendly".

Tempting Answer - Horribly. It's like sand-paper to the vagina. You know how stopping to put on a condom can really ruin the mood? Imagine having to spend a considerable amount of time attaching a harness, complete with buckles and straps.

8. (From A Female Friend) - "So do you fancy me, then?"

Acceptable Answer - There is no acceptable answer to this. A "No" is insulting and a "Yes" makes everyone uncomfortable. You can't win this question.

Tempting Answer - Yes, you're the reason I became a lesbian. *Longing Stare*

9. "Don't you want kids?"

Acceptable Answer - Maybe, but lesbians can still have kids. It just requires more planning.

Tempting Answer - Out of the question. Thus is my punishment for choosing to be a lesbian.

10. "Don't you think you'll end up with a man?"

Acceptable Answer - No. Just like you're not going to end up with a donkey. Once again... I am not attracted to men.

Tempting Answer - God I hope so. This lesbian phase of mine is becoming tiring. Here's hoping I'm soon cured of this anomaly once and for all. It's been exhausting pretending to like women just to turn on men. I can't wait to get married to a man, just like we all should, and finally be normal again.

About the Author - E J Rosetta is an LGBT writer from Hampshire. More ramblings can be found at www.facebook.com/ejrosettaLGBT or via Twitter - @EJRosetta