Since having babies I have told a few lies.
I am not proud of myself, but sometimes lying (and coffee, so much coffee) is the only way to survive. The truth would simply hurt too much (or make you look like a miserable twat) so telling the odd fib is a necessary evil.
If you are a tired parent, then here are a few untruths that you might recognise (or maybe I am just a miserable twat):
LIES YOU TELL FRIENDS, COLLEAGUES AND THE GENERAL PUBLIC
1: So sorry I can't make it - the baby is sick.
I am too tired to face people today.
2: How embarrassing! I had no idea I had vomit on my shoulder!
I got these clothes out of the dirty laundry and hoped no one would notice the vomit.
3: Excuse the mess. I haven't had time to clean today.
I have spent hours cleaning but my house still looks like crap.
4: I am so sorry I lost the invitation to your kid's party.
I forgot to RSVP because I am tired and disorganised.
5: I haven't had a shower for two days!
I haven't had a shower for two weeks.
6: Sorry, I didn't answer the phone I was feeding the baby.
I couldn't be bothered with a conversation.
7: We don't normally eat potato waffles but I can't face cooking.
I hate cooking. We eat potato waffles all the time.
8: Oh sorry, my kids are always taking off their clothes!
I couldn't be arsed to get the kids dressed today.
9: My baby is teething.
My baby is being a pain in the arse.
10: I don't usually give my child this many biscuits!
When there are no witnesses; I give her much more biscuits.
11: I only let my kids watch TV for an hour a day or when they are sick.
I let my kids watch TV when I need to cook dinner, take a shower, make coffee, tidy up or piss around on Facebook.
12: I look terrible I didn't have time to do my hair and make up.
I have done my hair and make up but I still look like shit.
13: There is no cereal left, so it's toast today kids.
There are no clean bowls and I am not washing up.
14: It is bedtime now!
It is 6pm.
15: There are no biscuits.
There is one more biscuits but I want to eat it.
16: Elsa and Anna are dead.
If I have to watch Frozen one more time I will scream.
17: That toy is broken.
That toy is annoying. I took the batteries out.
18: The soft play centre is closed.
I am NOT going to the soft play centre.
19: It is NOT morning yet.
It is 7.30am.
LIES YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER
20: It is your turn to change the baby. I did it while you were in the bathroom.
I don't want to change the baby because it smells really bad.
21: I am popping to the shop for milk.
I am popping to the shop so I can sit in the car park and play on my phone.
22: I am going to the toilet.
I am going to the bathroom to look on Facebook in peace.
23: I didn't hear the baby.
I pretended to be asleep until you got up for the baby.
24: I have been up ALL night.
I had about two hours of broken sleep.
25: She always sleeps better when you put her down. I don't know how you do it!
She sleeps badly whoever puts her down but I really want to sit here and drink wine.
26: I AM FINE!
I am not fine. The kids have been horrible today. I am tired. I have had not time to eat. My coffee is cold. I need everyone to leave me the hell alone for five minutes before I lose my shit.
DOES all this make me a bad person? I hope not. But when you are tired and stressed in charge of young children, it is a matter of survival! Please tell me it is not just me?