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Dear Father Christmas. Love A Mum. Aged 37 3/4s

09/12/2015 16:39 GMT | Updated 05/05/2017 13:16 BST

Dear Father Christmas

Hi! How are you? My name is Emma. I'm nearly 38 and I am a mother of two. I've not written to you since I was about eight. Yep 30 years ago. In a time before Elves on Shelves, when sacks were essentially bin bags with a cartoon picture of your face on it and selection boxes not only seemed bigger but were counted as an actual present.

Anyway I digress. I've been a good girl this year. Okay there was that time when I shouted unreasonably at my husband for not doing the washing up (okay I threw a plate) and occasionally I may have drunk the odd gin or two in the summer before 6pm but bar that? I've been a good egg. I've endured lots of too early mornings, some very late nights, nits (twice), chicken pox (twice), croup, conjunctivitis and the sh*ts (too many to remember). There were weekends away. Cancelled. There were nights out. Postponed. I've endured the emotional trauma of starting one child off in school. The other in nursery. All of these cancel out the smashed plate right?

So here are my demands (much like my children DEMAND a pooing dog and a Gooey Louie). For Christmas all I want is the following: A bath. Alone. You know without being interrupted ten minutes in by a screaming toddler. I want to be able to smell a lovely Lush bath bomb and not a rotting Thomas the Tank Engine Toy approximately one inch from my face. I would also like a reprieve on tiny people watching me wee and change tampons. Just for a week. A wee alone would be joyous.

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I would like a weekend where I sleep. The kind of sleep where your head hits the pillow at 11pm (okay 9pm) and then you wake 12 hours later with the sun glinting through the window. Feeling refreshed, revitalised. Ready to start the day. No disturbances from nightmares, lost dummy's or husbands snoring. I would also love the gift of time. Time to shop for clothes for myself, or time to go to the cinema with friends, time to go away for the weekend without the feeling of 'mum guilt' hanging over my head.

So I want to bath alone, wee alone, sleep alone and spend time to myself. Can you make that happen Father Christmas? I promise to be good. I promise to not reach for the tablet each morning for the whole of next year when my kids are up at 5am. I promise that there will be no bribe Smarties on an almost daily basis and also I promise that when my children scream in the night I won't sometimes 'pretend sleep' so my other half gets up...

...I'll be honest Father Christmas the chances of any of that happening during 2016 is slim to non. So forget all my prior demands. I will just settle for some nice slippers and a new dressing gown.

Lots of Love Em x

PS if my son's Gooey Louie can get 'lost' on route? I will be forever grateful.

To read more from Emma pop over to her blog here. She's got an award nominated YouTube channel here and she rants quite a bit over on her Facebook page here.