When you were a kid what did you imagine your marriage would be like?
I was determined that I was going to marry Ronan Keating and he would be ferociously in love with me, constantly attached to my side like a rampant puppy humping my leg (Ronan if you're reading, I still wouldn't turn down a leg hump!)
Having kids was going to be the icing on the cake. Our love would be amplified through a tiny joyous little bundle of beautifulness (yes that is a new word) that we had made after our marriage (Ronan's comeback album would of course be based on it).
But as with all great love stories, it was in fact just that, a story.
Apart from the obvious of not being Ronan's wife, amplified love and leg humping (or any humping) is not what I experienced when I had kids.
1. I wasn't even married when I had my first child (sorry God!)
2. Yes I love my husband with all my heart but a tiny 24/7 screaming machine will not amplify love, it will instead test your ability to be remotely nice to your other half without blaming them for their part in creating said screaming machine.
3. Our pre-kid's date night's (also known as just 'night's' back then) and constant cuddles were replaced with 'who could scoff down a Mac D's quicker while your small child pretend sleeps for 5 minutes' dates, and 'don't touch me I need all the sleep I can get' best will in the world cuddles.
I blame Disney, Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey for my warped vision of perfect relationships after kids. Those books and movies filled me with an unrealistic view of relationships. Like how Mr Disney made me believe I needed to grow up to find my Prince Charming in order to live happily ever after. Even though I was as happy in my single days as I am now. (Also calling your Husband 'a prince' is probably pushing it, sometimes mine is referred to as 'kn*bhead').
Thinking about it, having a dangerous vampire who follows your every move and doesn't allow you to do anything probably wouldn't be my ideal partner in life (plus having a partner who was far better looking than you wouldn't be great for the self-esteem), and the only red room of pain I have experienced as a parent was in the ball pond at the local play centre.
But don't let my words fool you into thinking love isn't there between my husband and I after kids. What I have realised is that love changes to something else after children...
1. Love is my hubby getting up and making the bottle for me first thing in the morning so I can sleep five minutes longer before hell breaks loose.
2. Love is tag teaming with the morning 'I'm hungry', 'I'm bored', 'I don't want pants on!' routine so we can both shower for 5 minutes alone.
3. Love is letting me watch the Kardashian's when the kid's go to sleep because I need mind numbing TV to help my mind rest after a shit day (I know he secretly loves looking at Kim's ass too. My love is letting him look )
So the lesson I have learnt is this:
'Always look for the smaller things in your relationship after kid's, it's in those you will find where your love has been hiding.'
This post originally appeared on www.fightingthemumfunk.wordpress.co.uk