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Welcome to the One MP Club

13/10/2014 15:06 BST | Updated 10/12/2014 10:59 GMT

Sound the trumpets! Bang the drums! Put the puncture repair kit on standby and reserve a place in Valhalla! UKIP have finally won that coveted Westminster pass and achieved a backside on the hallowed timbers of the House Of Commons.

After comparing himself to a fox in the Westminster hen house, Nigel Farage has switched his ornithological persona and is crowing all over the place about the historic victory his party of odds and ends has finally achieved.

Let me be the first to congratulate him on this stunning landmark. It's a truly great achievement! All that hard work campaigning. The huge spends on the not- in-the-slightest-bit-racist posters. The well crafted and properly costed polices (all two of them). The subtle garnering of public opinion. The pints drunk in local pubs, the cigarettes smoked in local pub gardens. All that hand shaking, back slapping, policy switching and eye swivelling has all led up to this one glorious, earth juddering, historic, epoch making moment!

The moment when Douglas Carswell changed his tie.

Yes, the good and noble electorate of Clacton have voted to keep the very same MP they've had for the last 4 years, but wearing a different rosette. If that's not a political earthquake then I'm not the lifetime president of Bongo Bongo Land.

As a Green Party candidate I'd also like to warmly welcome Mr Carswell to that special political enclosure reserved for us 'marginal parties'. You know, the ones with only one MP. Must be a bit of a come down for you after all those years as part of the government, especially when you remember the recent months when you joined all your former friends castigating UKIP. Funny old world isn't it?

It's an pretty exclusive club. Just us and a few of the independents. The Greens have been members for years so we've laid on a bit of a welcome tour..

Sorry we don't have a special handshake or a club slogan. We've been a bit too busy with all this tiresome democracy and social justice stuff to get into really important things like that.

Sorry about the decor too. We're a bit short on cash, owing to the fact that we don't accept money from large corporates or have any obliging self-interested billionaire sugar-daddies bankrolling our sweep to power.

We don't get much attention - certainly not as much as you have - usually being sidelined as also-rans and written off as a flash in the pan. Presumably UKIP will now be consigned to the same BBC Z list as us. No more invites to speak on BBCQT at the drop of a funny hat. No more headlines on the BBC website every time a candidate says something completely out of character for the 17th time this week. Whatever will you do?

Ah well, by this time next year we might have some more company in here. What with the potential for more Conservatives having further wardrobe malfunctions and Green Party membership swelling exponentially after the Scottish Independent vote. UKIP was against that wasn't it? It's confusing that a party with the word 'independence' in it's name urged it's members to vote against that very ideal isn't it?

It's these little chats that help us pass the time. What's that you say Douglas? You're too busy to talk right now? Don't worry, I'm sure you'll have plenty of time after next May.

See you in The House, I'm sure you know the way.