"Hey guess what - Ben Affleck is the new Batman!"
"You don't like Affleck? You've never forgiven him for Gigli?"
"Affleck's fine, it's Batman"
"You don't like the caped crusader?"
"A privileged millionnaire who punishes poor people. A nocturnal David Cameron."
"He's not posh"
"He has A BUTLER, an elderly servant who has wiped his bat-cheeks since boyhood"
"Perhaps Alfred craves servitude?"
"If that were true he'd be married"
"Good point well made"
"It's just that Batman has inherited, not earned, billions of dollars and yet he chooses to fight those forced into crime rather than the causes of crime. Surely with less unemployment Gotham would be a considerably safer place to live, surely with better community facilities the thieves could channel their incomprehensible and ubiquitous skills at martial arts into something more worthwhile? It's poverty that has created this back-alley moral vacuum and Master Wayne has at his disposal the means to end it. But does he plough his unearned billions into better education, drug programmes and social infrastructure? No, he puts on a disguise and he goes out and punches people in the face. Presumably these felons are hospitalised then incarcerated, putting yet more pressure on the system and leeching more money away that could have otherwise been spent on hospitals, schools and social welfare. Wayne enterprises contributes the bare minimum, hosting black-tie fund raisers, schmoozing with the bankers and basking in the reflected glory of their well publicised generosity. While the people outside, the people left with nothing, out there in the dark night, many of them victims of the bankers greed and stupidity, suffer. Inevitably some turn to crime. But the banker's crime goes unpunished, because Batman cannot see it. He is one of them, a posh, well connected millionnaire. He refuses to see it. They are just playing with numbers - they're not really hurting anyone are they? He'd hate to make these fund raisers awkward. And let's face it, it's much easier to attack a person than a corporation, especially a vulnerable person. So that's what he does - attacks the vulnerable and tells us that they are the reason that the UK, sorry I mean 'Gotham', is in the shit. Take away their benefits, punch them in the face. K'POW THWACK! ATOS!
"Batman doesn't want to spend money on Gotham, he wants to spend his money on other things, like weapons, weapons bought perhaps from a company he has an interest in. He wants to put on a mask and attack those in the lowest social strata, because it makes him feel better about not investing in Gotham; and we can sleep at night knowing that he has attacked the culprits, without ever stopping to think why these people have turned to crime in the first place. Of course there will always be "baddies" both real and fictional, but does there always have to be the persecution of the vulnerable from those charged with protecting them?"
"Wow that was a really long speech"
"But basically what you're saying is that Batman is the coalition government?"
"That's the one"
"To the polls!"
Follow James Conmy on Twitter: www.twitter.com/TheConmy