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What To Do If You Need To Poo On A First Date

06/09/2017 16:01
Ljupco via Getty Images

First dates can be a nerve-racking experience. You know you must do everything you can to make a great first impression. Every word, comment or action will be scrutinized and you are extremely careful to present the best version of yourself. So, it can be hugely embarrassing if nature calls and you find yourself having to run to the loo quickly.

Here are my dating expert tips to make sure you can get on with your business without anyone knowing all about it.

Excuse Yourself
If you are still in a venue with your date and you can't hold it in, you want to exit quickly without causing offence. The best way to this is to pretend you've just an important text message or call. Tell them you are sorry but you really need to get back to the caller urgently. Try and get back as quickly as possible before they start to wonder if you've done a runner. It can help to bring some drinks or nibbles with you. That way they'll forget you've even been missing.

Pump up the Volume

If you've gone to yours or their place, the pressure increases. Your date is just a few feet away behind the door and you might be worrying about how much they can hear. If the bathroom is getting noisy, you need to use everything possible to drown out what's happening. Turn on the taps or get some music going on your mobile phone. If that's not enough, try singing a tune yourself. Even if you aren't a great vocalist, it should distract them enough for you to finish the job. Just be careful you pick something suitable. "Let it Go" or "My Way" are out.

Put them off the Scent

You've finished but you can't open the window. Use everything you can find to disguise the smell. Look around for inspiration and you're bound to find some suitable items. Deodorant, soap, perfume and even toothpaste can work well. Anything that's stronger than your body odor is good. Spray it around the bowl, in the sink and at the bottom of the bathroom door. That way this aroma is the first thing they'll smell once they walk in. The nose can only smell one thing at a time so make sure it's a pleasant one.

Dump the Evidence

The worst-case scenario is when you can't quite flush everything away. You stand there desperately trying to flush but no matter what you do it just won't go. Time is running out and you start to panic. What you need are tools to help you defeat the problem. A toilet brush should be your first choice, but if not, you might need to get creative. You could work your magic with a pen or chop it up with a credit card. If nothing helps, pile on the toilet paper on top to hide it. It won't fool anyone but it's nicer to look at.

Go with the Flow
If there's really no way of hiding things then don't worry. Everyone has to go to the toilet so don't make an issue out of it. Otherwise that's all either of you will think about all evening. Change the subject and get the conversation on to something else. Compliment on them on their bathroom tiles or ask them for a tour of the flat. The longer they stay away from going in after you the better so the more questions the better.

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