With just days to go until the swearing-in of President Trump on January 20, the world waits with bated breath to hear the maverick orator deliver his inaugural address.
A man with the vocabulary of an eleven year old and a hatred of teleprompters, Trump's rambling, 'word salad' speeches have been described by CNBC's Daniel Libit as "a transcriptionist's worst nightmare: severely unintelligible, and yet, incredibly important to understand".
To date, Trump has served up insults to almost every sector of his electorate. His ill-considered language, temperamental tweets and complete disregard for protocol have caused diplomatic rifts with Mexico, China, Saudi Arabia, Britain, The Philippines and Germany (which he seemed to confuse with France). Millions will tune in to his inauguration ceremony wondering who else he could possibly offend.
There's no doubt Trump's inaugural address will be crafted by experts and carefully vetted by his team. The problem is, The Donald has a dangerous habit of throwing away the script. So, what will President Trump say if given an open mic at his inauguration? Here, I take an uneducated guess*...
"My fellow Americans: I'm proud to stand before you as the winner of The Presidential Apprentice. On this momentous day in history, I give you my inaugural address: West Lawn, US Capitol, Washington DC 20004.
I'm honored to be here in the company of so many former presidents: President Bush, President Carter and of course President Clinton, who I see brought Crooked Hillary. Lock Her Up! Seriously, who let her in? I also pay tribute to my fellow GOP nominees: Little Marco, Lyin' Ted and Low-energy Jeb. I trampled those suckers real good!
So, esteemed guests, haters and losers - welcome. Or as my friend Putin says, мудак! Sadly, he couldn't make it today, and neither could my new friend Tsai Ing-wen, but she promised to call me later.
Now, down to business. Firstly, I would like to thank President Obama for his eight years of service. For a man who wasn't born here, Barack did an okay job. But there's only room for one CEO of America Incorporated. Obama - you're fired!
I am the 45th President to take the presidential oats and... what does that say? Sorry folks, I hate teleprompters. What I really wanted to say is that this is a very, very big job and I'm going to do some really terrific, tremendous work to Make America Great Again! I say that, not in a braggadocius way, because as you know, I am one of the most humble people around, as well as one of the richest.
Caricature: DonkeyHotey, CC BY SA 2.0
As your new President, the challenges I face are huge. With the help of Vice-President Pence, I will begin my first most important task - decorating the Trump House. Melania wants to keep the decor the same way Michelle had it, but I have a whole team of Mexicans lined up to paint the place gold.
My second most important job will be solving the problems of the WORLD! I find the best place to do this is Twitter. I've invented my own Presidential handle "Donald's Oval Office Facts, United States" and you can follow me @DOOFUS. My wife Melania is so excited, she just sent her first tweet as @FLOTUS! It says: "So proud of @POTUS and all that we've accomplished together. An incredible journey filled with remarkable people. I love you Barack. -mo".
When you elected me, I promised to Drain The Swamp of corruption and build a whole new administration. I went through thousands of résumés until finally, I found my millionaire son-in-law Jared Kushner and my daughter Ivanka - she's hot, right? Ivanka will do the women's issues and childcare, and Jared will do peace in the Middle East. Some people have accused me of nepotism, but I can assure you, I am not a nepot. Never have been, never will be.
In a moment we will hear 'The Star Spangled Banner' sung by 16 year old Jackie Evancho. Just think, in a couple of years I could be dating her! Later, you're welcome to join us at the inauguration ball, where America's greatest recording artists will appear in my honor. I don't know who they are yet, but I'm waiting to hear from Rebecca Black and David Hasselhoff. My great friend Scott Baio will sing the theme tune from Happy Days and my British buddy Nigel Farage will be serving the beer. There's still lots of tickets left people, so bring your family and friends! But remember, Muslims will not be admitted.
OK folks, it's time for me to stop talking and get to work as America's CEO. To quote from President Coolidge, "The Business of America is Business." So let's grab this opportunity by the pussy and Make America Great Again!"
*Disclaimer: this satirical piece of writing is NOT Donald Trump's official inaugural address. The real thing will be much worse. The Twitter account @doofus belongs to Duane Sherman, who has 6 followers and last tweeted in 2007.Suggest a correction