I write a daily blog. One of its joys is that people send me bizarre anecdotes.
This is certainly one, so pin back your eyes like you are Alex in A Clockwork Orange and read on.
Yesterday afternoon, I got an e-mail from a Jeff Lantern, who describes himself as "an enigmatic North East England based act" and who says: "I perform on the comedy circuit because no-one else will take me seriously".
This successfully grabbed my attention, so I got in touch with Lee, who had just returned from the auditions. And this is what he told me:
Basically, I have cerebral palsy from when I was ill when I was a baby. This resulted in me losing my speech and having a weaker right side of the body (which means I walk funny). Instead of talking, I use a small computer called a Lightwriter to communicate with - although I use an Apple iPad on stage as it is clearer and more practical. I just type what I want to say and the iPad says it out loud. A bit like Stephen Hawking.
I only started doing comedy last month so I'm still building up my profile. I've only had three gigs so far. I started because I'd always enjoyed making people laugh and watching stand-up. I never thought I'd get to do it because of my disability. But then my mates suggested it might work. I thought about it for a bit and then decided to give it a go. I knew I'd regret it if I didn't.
I already had some X Factor material in my act so, as it looked like it might be a boring Saturday, I thought it would be funny to audition for The X Factor as a singer and see what they said when I turned up. I decided to do I Believe I Can Fly because I thought it seemed apt in a deluded kind of way. I got up this morning at 6.00am to get to the auditions for 8.00am. Once there, I was put into 'Pen B' which was for disabled auditionees. I thought it apt that the staff referred to them as Pen A and Pen B as if we were animals going to the slaughter.
I was signed in by an assistant who talked to me through my communication device. This begs a question about how she expected me to sing when she could see I couldn't talk. Was she just being polite? Two more people spoke to me in the same way and still no questions were asked. Good news for me!
We stood in the cold for an hour while X Factor production staff got people to sing Fog On The Tyne and Let's Get Ready To Rumble. Stereotypical? I was surprised they didn't bring in the fat topless bloke from Newcastle games just for good measure. Or maybe Gazza with some chicken, a dressing gown and a fishing rod.
Then we were let into the venue - the Metro Radio Arena. Once inside, we had to sit together and wait to be called for our audition. Everyone around me started practising and I did start to feel a tiny bit bad for potentially wasting someone's opportunity. But not too bad.
When I finally got in for my audition (about two hours after arriving) - basically in the side corridors of the arena - I was greeted by two production assistant type people who were my judge and jury. I could see straight away that they weren't sure what was going to happen. They asked me if I was going to sing, like they were double checking.
I broke into I Believe I Can Fly and the looks on their faces were priceless. You could tell they were still trying to figure out if I was serious or not. In my opinion, I quite obviously wasn't (I even had a Lost Voice slogan on my t-shirt), but the sense of humour seemed to be lost in translation. I tried not to laugh too much and just sway along to the words. After a few verses and some very weird glances, they stopped me and told me I wasn't going through to the next stage. Part of me thought they looked annoyed at me for being a twat and wasting their precious time. I hope they were anyway.
I asked if I had sounded too flat as I walked out.
Still not a smile.
As I said, I already had some X Factor material in my act, so I plan to add to it with what has taken place today. My biggest gig yet is coming up is next month - Sunday 8 April 2012 at Rib Ticklers' 1st birthday in Hartlepool with special guest headliner Patrick Monahan.
I have decided to record my 'losers song' and put it online.
(Lee's iPad-generated song is here)