Depression and the things surrounding it are no simple topic, nor are they anything to be taken lightly. I think, though, that to have a sombre view on the things of the past is pointless. What has happened has happened. And with that, I will attempt to look lightly upon the events of last year.
In the winter of 2010 I exited a relationship that ended messily, though thankfully not violently. Well, not outwardly violently. It was during this relationship and the troubles that it went through, that I started self-harming. I felt dependent upon being in a relationship to be happy, to be me. When that relationship ended, it felt like the end of me, despite how much trouble it had been.
Just after, I returned to school, feeling outcast but trying as hard as I could to continue on, to be myself and have friends, even though I was steadily drifting further away from people I thought were my friends. My last year at West Hatch wasn't the best of the lot, but hell, I kept a brave face.
Halfway through 2011 I found out that I had the opportunity to go to a private school in my area, under a 50% music scholarship, and I was utterly thrilled, it was what drove me to carry on through the year, gave me something to aim towards; the promise of a tomorrow, the promise of a continued existence.
I arrived at the beginning of the new term, fresh faced and ecstatic to be at a new place, new people, new beginning, new life. The school was big, there was a church, an overfunded music department, and an air of grandeur. I attended my classes, I had fun, met some new faces, and some amazing people. It was not for a few weeks that things took a turn for the worse.
I've never been one for pressure. I tend to burst under pressure. And the school had a fair bit of it, I just wasn't used to such a workload. Early mornings for choir, late evenings for choir too, slightly longer school day than normal, extra periods, homework every day in the evening in the form of full essays, I just couldn't take it. I broke down. I went to the bed in the matron's office and just wouldn't move. I couldn't take it anymore.
From there I left school, the only clear option to me. My parents were upset of course because they were paying for the school and still had another term to pay for that I wouldn't be attending. That only compounded my sadness. I went into counselling with a man named Giovanni. We clicked instantly, everything he said made so much sense to me. I was put on medication.
In the night I would wake up. 3am and beyond were my primary waking hours. The silence around me told me I was alone, alone with my thoughts and with the darkness not only around me, but that I felt it inside of me. There was no reason for my existence, the very thing I had gone to this new school for had been dragged away and it was no-one's fault but my own. I couldn't socialise properly. I couldn't go on.
And then something miraculous happened. Charlotte texted me saying we'd got an invite to the Britain's Got Talent producer auditions. I remembered that she had applied earlier in the year, but I had forgotten all about it. We went, but we didn't hear anything for months. I lost hope that it would go anywhere, but the call came in, the first audition happened and well, the rest is history.
By some miracle, I have survived my ordeal with depression, I am still on medication, but may be coming off gradually at the end of this year. If you're feeling depressed, even if you're a little down, let the words flow, talk to someone, a friend, a teacher, someone online, get some advice, some help even. Even if it's just hanging out with people you genuinely like, do it! Every little thing will help. Don't fall prey to your own emotions. Speak out and be heard.
Jonathan and Charlotte's debut album Together is out now.
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