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The Katie Hopkins Revised Guide to Human Rights

01/06/2015 13:33 BST | Updated 01/06/2016 10:59 BST

Under pressure from a couple of gluten-free vegans, the Conservatives are backtracking wildly on their plans to scrap their association with the European Convention on Human Rights (ECHR).

Theresa May is not the only one seething with rage. I am livid.

Philip Davies summed up the feeling of the sane majority saying: "The convention has become a charter for illegal immigrants to avoid deportation and for criminals to pursue vexatious claims. I have no idea why we would want to stay part of that."

As such, for your viewing pleasure, I have created The Katie Hopkins' Revised Guide to Human Rights.

Leftards say human rights are universal. Maybe. But you need to act half-human to have them. Sadly many of you fall well short of the bar.

Right to Life

This will be begrudgingly maintained. However, this does not include the right to an easy life. Those enjoying a stress-free life on benefits should remember you are dining out at taxpayers expense. Sanctions are the stick. If you want carrots, you'll have to get them in a tin at the food bank.

Prohibition of torture:

Let's be clear. I am not an evil person. I am not condoning torture. But being sent back to the city in Somalia from whence you came will no longer be classed as torture purely on the basis that it is a bit poor (true story). It may lack Waitrose but this does not define torture. Tesco is torture.

Being a drunk doesn't count:

...even if you are a Libyan with a criminal record longer than your list of excuses. (78 prosecutions in the UK). Despite our best efforts to deport the raging alcoholic, under the ECHR, it was decided it would violate his human rights because drinking alcohol is illegal in his home country.

You know what they say. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to drink cheap vodka and you give him a British passport for life. Or something.

Right to deport utter bastards:

If you wish to remain in our great country, do not mutilate, rape or kill British people. Otherwise, you are going home.

I don't care if you have a hooked hand, a bother called Mo or a sister in Lithuania with chronic acne and a three-legged dog. We are not paying for you to stay. Try Britain's Got Talent.

Right to vote:

Prisoners, you will not have the right to vote. This is because you are not always capable of making sensible decisions - as evidenced by the fact you are now obliged to provide oral favours to your cell mate for a cigarette. Have a pleasant stay.

Europe can chuff off:

In the indomitable words of Hugh Grant, 'we may be a small country, but we are a great one too. A country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Harry Potter. David Beckham's right foot. David Beckham's left foot, come to that.'

Those who join our country to bully us are no longer a friend. And since bullies only respond to strength, from now onward Britain will be much stronger. And if you are a prisoner, a foreign criminal or barely human, you should be prepared for that.