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My Top Ten Irritatingly Useless Baby Purchases

16/04/2015 18:03 BST | Updated 16/06/2015 10:59 BST

Before giving birth I did what most expectant mums do - scour the internet in a frenzy finding lists of 'what to buy a new baby'. It was a stressful time, there were so many lists and each was slightly different to the last. How were you meant to know which one to trust?

So I did what any normal person would do in such a situation and compiled my own all singing, all dancing super spreadsheet, amalgamating every item on every list. I then colour coded the cells for what I had already bought, ordered or still needed to get. Yes I did do that. I really, really did.

When I emerged from the hysterical, hormone induced fog and realised that retail outlets do not all immediately shut down following the birth of your child, I came to see that it is possible and even recommendable to buy things as and when you need them. There is very little that you do actually need and quite a lot that you really rather don't. In particular: -

1, A teeny tiny pair of flip flops for a six-month-old - I did buy these. I am very, very ashamed of myself. Guess what - six-month-olds do not walk and even if they did cute flip flops are certainly not the ideal choice of footwear to learn in.

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2, A top and tail bowl - Unless I am missing something isn't this just a plastic bowl? I was supposed to use it along with the copious amounts of cotton wool balls I bought for fear anything else would burn our baby's bum off. Until someone said 'Why don't you just use wipes?' - Why didn't I just use wipes?

3, Baby cook books - Might as well have just fed them chicken nuggets from the word go.

4, Baby towels: -

Sensible me: Um don't you already got towels?!

Pregnant me: I do yes but...but...but they don't have a cute duck hood!

Sensible me: Do you imagine our baby will flip out if it has towels without a cute duck hood?

Pregnant me: CERTAINLY YES!

Fetus: She is right I will got bat shit crazy if you dare dry me in anything other than duck hooded towels!

5, Baby oil - only useful if you need to grease up a baby in order to squeeze them into or out of a small space. I guess there is always the possibility that this may happen, but as yet it hasn't.

6, A Bumbo - It made my babies angry. They were not pleased with the different view point, they just arched their backs and tried to flip out of it in a rage. Maybe it would have been best to be a tad patient and wait a couple of weeks for them to sit up of their own accord.

7, Ewan the dream sheep - He promised sleep, he did not deliver it. I now hate Ewan. I also hate everyone on Amazon that convinced me to spend 30 sodding quid on him. I wish I bought a nice juicy leg of lamb instead. Plus is it just me or does he look proper shifty?

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8, A baby bath thermometer - I guess it could be useful if you believe your internal temperature gauge to be so inept that you might boil your newborn alive.

9, A nasal aspirator - Ok maybe smaller babies are fine with having snot sucked from their nostrils, but once they have control of their arms? Oh I'd rather not go back there thank you very much *shudders*

10, A Hypnobirthing book - Unfortunately the image of my cervix opening like a flower was well and truly stamped on by the image of lovely pain numbing drugs coursing through my veins.

Oh and as a side note, once you've dipped your toe in the water it feels a shame not to go the whole hog. I can highly recommend you try a shot of post birth morphine if you think you might enjoy feeling like a Care Bear prancing around in the clouds.

Did I miss anything?

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