Did you know that April is Caesarean Awareness Month?
Both my boys were born by emergency c-section. Both births were filled with drama for different reasons. Both births lives were at stake, both theirs and mine.
But then, after the dramatics of my emergency c-section with the Baby the husband put his foot down and said no more babies. And with that, any tiny glimmer of hope that I would one day experience the vaginal birth I was desperate for after the terror of the Big One's birth.
I will never know what it's like to reach the magical 10cm. The furthest I got is five.
I will never have that moment of "ooh am I in labour". Both my births were medically assisted.
I will never know what the "ring of fire is".
I will never know what it is like to push with all my might to bring a baby into the world.
I will never know what natural, non-induced labour will feel like.
I will never know what my body is capable of.
I will never know.
I know the faltering smile of a midwife.
I know the worry trying not to show in their eyes.
I know the fear you feel as your room fills with people.
I know the look that passes between yourself and your husband.
I know the face of a man who is trying to be brave for me whilst crumbling on the inside.
I know the feeling of being hurtled down to theatre.
I know the terror of drugs not taking effect quickly enough.
I know shouting at the doctors to get the Baby out.
I know the tugging and pulling sensation.
I know the icy feeling of fear as the Baby is lifted out.
I know the waiting silence.
I know the seconds feeling like hours.
I know the relief of the cry that rings around the room.
I know the feeling of elation when my husband brought my baby to my head for the first time.
I know the love I felt.
I know the love I feel.
I know, now, that it doesn't matter about the things I don't know.
They don't matter anymore.
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