THE BLOG

Do You Always Need To Defend Yourself?

16/12/2016 16:02 GMT | Updated 16/12/2016 16:02 GMT

Living with people who are verbally abusive or verbally aggressive can be very demanding on your time and energy. But does it have to be that way?

The abusive or aggressive person often wants you to defend yourself or explain yourself. This is abusive behaviour, controlling, demeaning and only you can decide if you are willing to tolerate it. Some people have tolerated this behaviour for many decades, probably because they are scared of what other people might say or think, scared about what would happen if they stood up to the bully, and even scared of what life would be like if they were to leave and begin a new life for themselves. Many are scared to mention it to anyone else as they are threatened with even worse treatment if they dare to tell anyone.

There is a lovely quote from Sophia Dembling "If you can plant yourself on solid ground in your head and heart, other people won't be able to throw you off balance. No need to debate or justify your stance. Explain yourself if you want, but you needn't defend yourself."

The bully is usually sweetness and light when anyone else is around, polite and caring, but when there is nobody else there they can be constantly verbally abusive and aggressive. This is typical behaviour from a bully who, if confronted, will usually back down because they are generally cowards too. They want control of you and this is the only way they know how. And because they have got away with it for years, and because you think you can't do anything about it, they will continue in the same way.

So, what can you do about this verbally abusive and aggressive person? You have several options available to you. You can put up with it, you can ignore it (not so easy I know), you can try and persuade the bully to go to counselling with you or you can decide you are not going to tolerate it any longer and leave the relationship. The bully will often try emotional blackmail claiming they will harm themselves if you leave. Those that talk about it in that way rarely carry out their threats of self harm.

The excuses will roll around your head one after the other - They won't be able to cope without me, what will I do on my own, what if............? They will be able to cope without you, you will survive on your own, don't even wonder about what if.....

You have to decide what is best for you, and only you. It is your life and you deserve to be able to live it in your way without the constant abuse and aggressiveness. The abuser has chosen their path and they are happy to be on it as they are in control of you and they know exactly what they are doing to make you unhappy and make you believe that if you were to leave them that this would happen or that would happen, and they will come out with a large range of scenarios. All of these scenarios will sound plausible, because that is what they are good at. Making you feel inadequate.

So it is up to you to decide what you want to do. Do you want to stay and be constantly verbally abused and spoken to aggressively? If not, seek some professional help so you can make an informed decision about your life.

Are you ready to make changes? Work with someone to help you gain more freedom, more fun and have less stress.