The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Matt Arnold Headshot

The Thatcher Funeral Drinking Game

Posted: Updated:
Print Article
MARGARET THATCHER
AP

On Wednesday 17 April, Baroness Thatcher's ceremonial funeral wil take place.

For the politically partisan, this event, like the previous 10 days, will be a chance to re-open the political wounds of the 1980s, and attempt to drown out their ideological opponents in a game of 'who can create the most digital bile'.

But what about the ambivalent? Life's fence sitters will once again see their televisions and timelines filled to saturation point (or 'Thatcheration' point as 1,200 Twitter wags will have it) with coverage of the death of a very old woman.

For those with what we call 'proper jobs' escape should be easy enough, for the rest of us, shift workers, home workers, the unemployed, new parents and the like, I'd like to offer hope.

As a 'resting' freelancer, I realised the occasion called for 'The Thatcher Funeral Drinking Game'.

The rules are below, in handy chronological order, so fill the fridge, get some equally under employed mates round, turn on the telly and play along.

(Obviously binge drinking is irresponsible and dangerous, and not really socially acceptable on a Wednesday morning, and you shouldn't actually play along)

COVERAGE BEGINS WITH THE PROCESSION TO ST PAUL'S

As live footage relayed from helicopter shows cortege headed through packed London streets, a member of the Dimbleby family remarks that "It's a solemn occasion" - All drink one finger

As above, but with a member of the Krankie family remarking that "It's a solemn occasion - All drink three fingers.

Spot anti-capitalist protestors lining route to cathedral - All drink one finger

Spot anti-capitalist protestor, with eye wateringly expensive designer bag, lining route to cathedral - All drink two fingers of a pre-prepared Pimms and Special Brew mix

A member of the public lining the route is vox popped and describes it a "sad day" - All drink one finger

A member of the public lining the route is vox popped and describes it as a "brilliant excuse for a right piss up" - All shout "that's the spirit!" and neck some spirits

MEANWHILE, 'THE GREAT AND THE GOOD' ARE CONGREGATING OUTSIDE THE CATHEDRAL

Someone you'd long presumed dead gets out of a car - Toast their good health, and neck two fingers

Iain Duncan Smith shows up - All shout "The quiet man is here to mourn and he's turning up the volume". Then drink one finger

(NB. Don't actually get any louder during this sentence, even though that would make a lot more sense)

Camera picks out Jeffrey Archer and the 'fragrant' Mary making their entrance - All drink one finger then bellow a outrageous self-aggrandising lie.

John Bercow arrives, alone - Last one to tweet 'Where's the Speakers wife? *Innocent Face*' drink two fingers

WITH THE SERVICE NEARLY UPON US, CAMERAS CUT INSIDE AS MOURNERS TAKE THEIR SEATS

Nick Clegg arrives, and spotting an already seated Prime Minister, desperately tries to get his attention. Cameron steadfastly ignores the cries of "Dave! Dave! DAVE!" in excruciating scenes eerily reminiscent of this:

All drink and stare at the floor until you can bear to look another human being in the eyes again.

(N.B It may be wise to have several tinnies on standby at your feet for this eventuality)

A member of the Royal Family shows up - One finger

An Argentinian shows up - Three fingers

Arthur Scargill shows up - All finish drink

AS THE SERVICE BEGINS, SO DOES THE REAL DRINKING

Realise Tony Blair has resolved to spend the day doing something more lucrative, and has sent along Michael Sheen to play him - Drink three fingers whilst simultaneously checking to see whether Her Majesty is looking a bit 'Helen Mirrenish'

Geoffrey Howe is spied among the mourners - Last to shout "Dead Sheep!", drink one finger

Cameras pick out John Selwyn Gummer in his pew - All eat a burger, last one to finish it, two fingers. For added spice, be sure to serve worryingly cheap burgers from a supplier that's been recently linked to the horsemeat scandal.

(N.B If you have young children at home it's totally acceptable to get them to eat your burger for you, see below)

Neil Kinnock is glimpsed desperately trying to look moved - Last one to triumphantly yell "He's all right!, He's allllll riiiight" Drink two fingers

John Major speaks during service - All eat peas until he's finished. Whoever consumes least, drink two fingers

Edwina Currie speaks during service - All crack a raw egg into your drink and neck it

Camera cuts away to Gordon Brown - Last one to shout "She was a bigoted women!", one finger

Hidden microphone catches Gordon Brown actually calling Thatcher a "bigoted women - All finish drinks

As service ends, camera cuts to a close up of Norman Tebbit - Whatever you do, don't look into his eyes. Do. Not. Look. Into. His. Eyes!

THE CEREMONY IS OVER BUT THE GAME IS NOT. WE STILL HAVE HOURS UPON HOURS ON POST MATCH COVERAGE TO GET THROUGH

Presenter interviews William Hague -
All drink one finger and then loudly claim to have necked "14 pints" Last one to do it, has to neck 14 pints.

The words 'Iron Lady' are trotted out - One finger of Iron Bru + Vodka... Yes, every single time.

A pundit mentions 'The Falklands' - One finger

A pundit mentions 'The Belgrano' - Two fingers

A pundit mentions 'The Malvinas' - Three fingers

Seb Coe is asked for his thoughts - Last one to locate the below and make it their ring tone. Drink three fingers

George Galloway rants via video link - All drink Baileys from a saucer, in the manner of a perverted cat lapping up milk, for entire duration of his tirade

A kind-eyed Michael Portillo takes his place on the BBC sofa - Everyone bark increasingly hysterical militaristic rhetoric until you loose your job. Then, stung by the schadenfreude of strangers, reinvent self as cuddly public transport buff. Last one swapping train related bon mots with pensioners in Crewe station tea rooms return home and finish everyone's drinks.

At this point it's probably fair to say the game is over, the telly should be back to normal, internet outrage levels have returned to an almost palatable level, and we can all return to our lives.

Around the Web

Margaret Thatcher - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

BBC History - Margaret Thatcher

Margaret Thatcher funeral dress rehearsal takes place - The Guardian

Margaret Thatcher's funeral: Grandchildren arrive in UK - Telegraph

Police pressed to act over funeral insult: Hundreds of protesters plan to turn ...