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Why Ed Miliband Should Go on 'Come Dine With Me' and the Tories have loads of sex

18/11/2014 16:25 GMT | Updated 17/01/2015 10:59 GMT

Or 'Political Lessons from the 1990s Part Two - Sleaze and Celebrity'

The two main political forces in the UK are so unpopular that minority parties have started making serious in roads in the polls.

In a previous blog I argued that the Tories should seriously consider consider publically slagging each other off, ideally with lots of swearing, to wrestle the political agenda back off UKIP.

Below I've detailed two more hugely practical plans for the main parties leaders as they try to avert electoral disaster next May.

Ed Miliband needs some celeb appeal

Way before those zeitgeist straddling titans of '90s pop culture, Noel Gallagher, Alan McGee and, er, Simon Mayo waltzed into Number 10 for the world's weirdest cocktail night, Nu Labour were busy sucking up to the celebs.

Of course the party had tried palling around with pop stars in the past, but this time they took things to ludicrous levels.

In '95, chart toppers Blur were summoned to the office of then leader of the opposition, Tony Blair, to meet the man himself, Alistair Campbell and John Prescott. There's more on that regrettable evening here. But in short, the purpose of the summit, as far as I can tell was ensure the Britpop Brobdingnags toed the party line in the run up to the 1997 General Election

And it worked.

Who among us can recall the moment an innocent televised chat with Jayne Middlemiss about the 'Country House' video descended into vicious in band bickering about the abandonment of Clause 4?

Exactly, no one, because, Tony and the boys made sure Blur were on side and playing ball

Incidentally that evening does have one lasting and, presumably, fictional legacy.

Though Jarvis hastily re-wrote the lyrics for that particular song before it found it's way onto Pulps 'This is Hardcore' Album. Presumably in fear of being invited along himself next time

Anyway, as Ed Miliband is always so keen to tell us, Labour have learned from their mistakes, so this time, they must not keep such remarkable soirees a secret.

No, all wooing of icons needs to take place in the only suitable arena for serious 21st century discourse

A 'Celebrity Come Dine With Me'.

Picture the scene.

It's night, the camera falls on a North London family home, that, whilst very desirable, is not quite as nice as David's.

Upstairs, Justine is hiding with the kids. Partly to adhere to the demands of the production crew, but mainly from shame.

In the Cath Kidson filled kitchen, we find dear Ed; flailing about as he simultaneously tries to get his soufflé to rise; and convince Dappy, E L James, and Joeys Essex and Barton to play ball over VAT reform.

He could even serve bacon sarnies, to show, once and for all, he's mastered the delicate art of eating it.

You might not vote for him but mark my words, you'd watch it.

Come on, it's not like I'm suggesting that Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper take on Professor Green and Millie Mackintosh in a special edition of ITVs All Star Mr and Mrs.

Though, really, would it hurt them. Honestly?

Sleaze makes everyone forget everything else.

In my last blog I mentioned that titan of mid 90s Tory think tanks 'The cones hotline', for all the mirth it inspired, it did, at least have a tangible end product. Ok it was a costly and rather pointless end product but you knew where you were with it.

Swearing on the M6 mainly.

But 'Back to Basics', Majors centrepiece strategy, was an all-together more vague proposition, indeed; by contrast 'The Big Society' seemed coherent and thought through

It seemed that Major wanted Britain to return to some vague form of mythical 1950s idyll. Happily this plea for 'family values' rather neatly coincided with Conservative MPs embarking on a veritable cornucopia of copulation and corruption that could all be neatly filed under the catch all heading of 'Sleaze'

Even that man himself didn't practice what he preached

Now, you'd be forgiven for thinking that having a party of love child fathering, extra marital fornicators, and 'Sword of Truth' waving perjurers would prove an electoral liability.

You'd be forgiven because you'd be absolutely right.

But dwell on this Dave.

Every moment the Tory back benches were shagging and bunging their brains out, was one less minute they could spend endlessly yelling the word 'MAASTRICHT' at each other and us.

Nigel Farage gets attention not because he offers a revolutionary political doctrine, unless getting trains re painted in their original colour and people dressing properly for the theatre, are your particular political bête noires

He gets attention because he's interesting.

So, in short, bring back the shagging, stick your snoats shamelessly in the trough, and watch UKIPs poll numbers tumble.

Possibly.