Almost a year ago today I found out I was pregnant. As you can tell from the title, my pregnancy was unplanned. VERY unplanned.
I say 'very' with umph because in my heart of hearts I do not think I was ready. I was still running around all first-year-of-college-like doing Jagerbomb Thursdays, sexting my boyfriend, thinking I'm hot stuff in my 'advertising agency boots' ordering interns to GET ME SOME COFFE! (okay, we didn't really have any interns, but we did have tea rounds where I would politely ask a colleague to get me a coffee with one sugar).
SO, when I found out I was pregnant with my year-long boyfriend (...mmm okay, okay 10 months) I cried. I cried and cried, and cried some more. Not the reaction you want, really. Torn between a white picket fence and an east London warehouse party.
I had to make sure this was real.
Oh, what is a girl to do?
I turned to God. He was like, "Girl, you can't have a baby out of wed lock, watchu thinkin?"
I turned to my Mom, "WHAT?! How did this happen? Are you sure you are ready? Are you truly in love? You probably should be married first? Oh my god, you should have him. No. You shouldn't. Yes. You should. No. Wait. If it's boy, can we name him Prince Harry?"
I turned to my friends, "What about your career? This is a really big decision. What about Jagerbomb Thursdays?"
I turned to my boyfriend, "Meagan, I am with you whatever you decide, I love you very, very much".
So no help there.
The next day I went to a beer pong party with my partner to take my mind off of the whole decision (yes, beer pong, the drinking game you play in college and yes, I am almost 30).
I didn't drink. First step to becoming a real adult.
After much debate, thousands of pros and cons lists, financial spreadsheets in excel, and probably too much practical thought, I said "Okay, let's have the baby".
Just kidding, I am not that impulsive.
I looked my partner in the eye and said, "My heart, let's call him Jimmy (I'm a Tom Boy), is carrying around a gun. Jimmy is standing on the seaside cliff of my mind shooting down logical birds of thought into the ocean. Deep down I want this but my excel spreadsheet is telling me otherwise".
At one point I Googled, "how do you know when you're ready to be a mother?" As if Google was going to tell me if I was ready to be a Mom. Ha! I did take a few of those parenting quizzes though....they told me I would be an okay Mom.
I remember looking up how many times does a baby poop in a day. You know, so I can really understand how tough it was going to be! (...like the poo was going to be the worst part of having a baby! Jokes on me.)
I tried to calculate how much a baby would cost per month. Just going through my Google Docs now, it's titled "Baby Money," I calculated £427 exactly. I am not quite sure how I estimated this, but it is completely wrong!
I created an enormous spreadsheet with various living options. How much would it cost if we lived in our current flat? How much would it cost if we lived with my partner's parents? How much would it cost if we moved further out of the city? How much would it cost if we lived in the city but not central? Finally, how much would it cost before and after maternity leave for each of those situations.
I was getting desperate. The last thing I tried was meditation. I wanted to find my 'chi'. If only I could meditate myself into a state of nothingness, the answer would come.
Nope, didn't work.
On Tuesday of that week, I was offered a position at another company, a dream job really. The following Friday I received a letter in the mail announcing that I had been accepted into a postgraduate course.
But these good fortunes were tainted with pink and blue nursery paint.
I was so overwhelmed.
I remember sitting in silence in our living room. This feeling lingered in the room, like that moment before you go on stage. Nervous, sweaty, excited. The smell was like raspberries and lemonade, sweet with a sour punch. A flood of emotions.
But we were so still. I didn't want to move or else I would break the glass bubble I was sitting in. A bubble so carefully designed, each piece thoughtfully placed to protect me from any real emotion. To protect me from ever having to make a real decision. To protect me from ever having to become an actual adult.
But then, this wave of clarity and dizziness ploughed through me. I stood up. Walked over to my partner and said very softly, "I think we should have the baby".
In that moment washed away were any birds on my con list. I followed my heart. All of that research and excel-mania was a waste of time.
Marriage can wait. I mean, who am I kidding? I just want to get married for the bachelorette party. Vegas anyone?
This decision was not easy but in my gut I knew what I was going to do. My head had to catch up with my heart.
The whole process taught me to truly listen to my instincts. I never did this in the past. This was my first step to becoming a mother because being a mother is listening to your gut. Seriously the baby books are a load of bull.
To announce the pregnancy, my partner and I created this video using DubMash (lip syncing with movies or songs) and shared it on Facebook (hence the Knocked Up theme):
That time you found out you were pregnant.... #knockedup #bump #pregnant #joke #pregnancy
-- The Mum Project (@mumproject)
Look, we can still play beer pong....
This post was originally published on The Mum Project.