THE BLOG

Understanding Depression: A Girl Like Me

16/09/2014 13:37 BST | Updated 15/11/2014 10:59 GMT

I don't like her. I probably did once upon a time but I don't remember that. I look at photos of her and I think "I don't like you Me". After many years I can finally admit that.

The problem is it's not straightforward to not like Me. It's conflicting. Other people like this girl Me. They tell me that I should like Me. They say that she's things like: beautiful, clever, funny, intelligent and give her genuinely good attributes and reasons why I should like her. I think I would like her if she were anyone else, but she is Me. 

When I see Me I see someone ugly, stupid, fat, a failure. I think Me is a loser.  Although I don't like Thoughts, I like them more than Me. Me is a fraud.  Me smiles when she is sad. Me spends money she doesn't have. Thoughts are honest. They call a spade a spade. They scream 'I am sad' they say 'you have no money You'. And I sympathise with Thoughts because they are never heard. Even though that's all they live for: To be heard. To be made real. To get attention. To be liked. Everyone likes Me even though she is a fraud.  That is not fair. 

I want to like Me. It would make life easier. Sometimes, if I don't look at her in the mirror I like her.  Sometimes if I shut Thoughts up I like her. But that's what everyone forgets: you can't shut Thoughts up. It is their compensation for being ignored. Swings and Roundabouts. Justice.

Thoughts turn nasty when they don't get their way. Well Negative Thoughts do. They beat Positive Thoughts up. Positive Thoughts don't stand a chance when Negative Thoughts decide it's their turn to play with your mind.  Neither does Happiness. Negative Thoughts don't have time for Happiness. 'Fuck off Happiness' they say. 

Negative Thoughts don't like Happiness because everyone wants Happiness and nobody wants Negative Thoughts. And Negative Thoughts don't want anyone to be happy if they're not happy.  

Negative Thoughts haven't heard of 'cutting off your nose to spite your face' so they say things like "You should die", "Everyone's better off without you," "Kill yourself", even though if you die the Negative Thoughts die too. But that is one of the main selling points.  

Even though nobody else can hear them, they are loud. Loud and strong.  This is their defence against not being heard: because when they are so loud, you can't even hear anyone else.  That is why you nod in agreement when people say things like: "You have everything to live for" because you can't really hear them. You just hear Negative Thoughts saying "They don't understand you", "You're better off with me", "I understand you".

But you shouldn't listen to Negative Thoughts because Negative thoughts have a hidden agenda. They don't want anyone to like Me because Me only wants Happiness. "If I can't have you nobody else will" says Negative Thoughts.