The reason that the economy is in tatters, that you can't afford bread that hasn't passed its sell by date, that the High Street is dying, people are homeless and businesses are collapsing is not what you think it is.
You probably think that the state of the world's economy is due to us borrowing too much, or the property price bubble, or unsecured loans on things we didn't need, or speculation on the markets, or the buy now pay later culture, or the law that what goes up must come down.
The reason we are in such dire straits is actually much simpler than that. It is because the people through whose hands all the money in world passes are stoned out of their gourds. Specifically, they are speeding their brains out on cocaine and alcohol. This would be a good combination if you are, say, Keith Richards and you have a concert to revivify yourself for. It is not a good combination if the wealth of all nations rests in your sweaty, shaky hands.
Cocaine and alcohol is rife in The City apparently and the effect that they have when mixed is to increase risk taking, the abandoning of common sense and the fostering of a "what the Hell" attitude. The more you take, the less sensible your decisions and the more likely it becomes that you will make bad choices. Ring any bells?
I am starting a programme to wean the workers in our financial centres off this pernicious cocktail. I plan to attract them to something less harmful to the rest of us: grass. If they just smoked grass to get themselves ready for work - the wake and bake - things would have gone very differently for the economy.
No-one who is stoned is likely to make bad choices because they would be unable to make any choices at all. Stuck in permanent paranoid indecision, they would find it hard to even leave their homes in the morning and would most likely end up on the sofa watching Top Gear on Dave all day, where they can do no harm.
If some of these City types feel that marijuana is not quite strong enough for their constitutions, ravaged as they are by Class A drugs, then can I suggest ecstasy? If everyone in the City took ecstasy instead of cocaine, there would be none of the aggressive, macho nonsense that has driven our banks to the edge of ruin. There would also be less of the shouting and bullying by bosses that lead their charges to make panicked decision that eventually blow up in their (and our) faces. Instead, trading floors would be full of people giving group hugs and complimenting each other on their choice of ties.
The inaugural fund raising ball in aid of The Nick Abbot Fund For Getting City Workers To Stop Putting Their Bonuses Up Their Noses will be held shortly. To apply for tickets, please drop me a line. Not that type of line.