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Give Peace A Chance - Take Up Golf

01/04/2013 18:19 BST | Updated 31/05/2013 10:12 BST

The mad old lady that runs North Korea has just started World War Three. Lil' Fat Kim has been chomping on the bit ever since he was ushered into power. Bits are something of a delicacy in those parts. Only the those in the higher echelons of power may help themselves to bits.

He recently visited his glorious amassed North Korean troops (6) on the border with South Korea. Kim Rong-un was pictured among his loyal servants with a pair of binoculars round his neck, which he used to locate the food tent.

Ms Kim as been on edge since the passing of his father, who was a hard act to follow. Kim Jong-il was the supreme leader of North Korea from 1994 to 2011. Seventeen wonderful years of the freedom from electricity and the right to eat mud for breakfast, led the people of North Korea to revere the man so much that they actually promoted him on his death. I am not making that up. He was variously The Dear Leader, President, Supreme Commander, Marshall, Chairman, Great Leader and Generalissimo. Since he is no longer Kim Jong-il (he is Kim Jong-ded) he is now The Eternal Leader, Eternal Chairman of the National Defence of Commission and Eternal General Secretary, Worker's Party of Korea. He is the secretary for ever but he does not take dictation and, being dead, his typing skills are, at best, rudimentary. Worst secretary ever.

By contrast, Kim Rong-un's only military title was of Daejang, which sounds like a tea. Now he is the leader, however, he has set about earning the respect of the military by hard work and industrious endeavour. And just in case, he had about 200 potential rivals shot. You can't be too careful.

Since his pater's passing to the great internment camp in the sky, Lil' Kim has been trying to prove to the world that the crazy did not die with his father. He has set about building rockets and bombs and other things that look like penises to allay fears that he is deficient in the pantaloonies. He has, however, not impressed in the brain department.

Pictured in the War Room, with the Big Board behind him, state news media announced that Kim had signed the plan on technical preparations of strategic rockets, ordering them to be on standby so that they may strike at the US at any time. If only there was some indication of where those strikes would come. If only there was a way to divine which targets Kim had in mind.

Of course, military secrecy being what it is, there is no way of knowing their plans unless you look at the picture released with this bellicose statement, for there, on the wall, was the map showing where the rockets would lift off from and dotted lines drawn, as though part of a school project, to show the exact trajectory and the points of intended impact: Washington DC, Los Angeles and Austin, Texas. Why the latter is included, only Kim knows. Perhaps that is the birthplace of the man who gave him his last haircut. If I came out of the barbers looking that, I'd want to take out the whole town too.

Just in case the world missed these vital clues, the state media announced that the undemocratic Democratic People's Republic of Korea (UDPRK) will also target South Korea, Hawaii and Guam. The citizens of these places should not be afraid. Well, South Koreans should paint their windows white and invest in a table to hide under perhaps, but not the other two. Nor should the residents of the listed cities on the American mainland cancel their summer barbecues. The rockets that the UDPRK have built are notoriously unreliable and seldom hit their target. If they are aimed at Washington, then the people in North Carolina might want to take shelter but those on Guam can rest easy. Guam is so tiny they couldn't hit it if they were sitting on it.

The people who should take care though, are the ten vacationers who have decided to go on a golfing holiday to North Korea. I am not making that up either. You might wonder why such a poor country would promote a rich man's pursuit in a place where the residents do not even have light bulbs with which to see the food that is not on their plates, but that is because you are a stranger to the intricacies of the glorious game.

In a domain of crippling rules about every tiny detail of its citizens' lives, what more perfect pass-time should there be to advocate than one that has more regulations than the Health and Safety Office of the Building Department of the European Union. They even have rules about whether you can untuck your shirt in a heat wave - not in North Korea, in golf.

Kim Rong-un's father was a dab hand with the stick. He shot a 38 under par on his very first try, including an impressive eleven holes in one. He marked his own card to prove it. He then instantly retired from the game having mastered it in one afternoon. Truly inspiring.

Perhaps the downtrodden people of the dingier half of the Korean Peninsular should take up golf in order to join the Drear Leader in honouring his father's memory. They should do themselves a favour and play a round with Lil' Fat Kim himself. It might cheer them up and improve their prospects no end. A nine iron to the back of his haircut should do it.