Open Letter to a Letting Agency

23/09/2015 11:20 BST | Updated 19/09/2016 10:12 BST

Dear Sir or Madam,

Please accept this weary letter of resignation from a lowly student who doesn't know his place in the world. I'm sure you'll be ecstatic to hear that you have beaten me. I have lost my stomach for fighting with you and so I surrender. You win.

After 3 years of university education, it would seem I still have much to learn about your ways of working in the real world. I take my lessons from you now in how one should go about treating their clients. It is obviously the done thing nowadays to not prepare a house to a clean and liveable standard for the start of a tenancy. Oh how you must have forced your poor handyman to clean the entire house with only kitchen roll and toilet cleaner! You monster! How he must have scrubbed and worked his poor fingers to the bone. If I knew any better, I would say it was just a ruse to make us clean the house ourselves. But what do I know? I'm just a poor MA student now.

A particular lesson you have taught me is that it's common practice to break the Tenancy Act of 1985 willy nilly. I thought houses were supposed to be maintained to a sufficient liveable standard. I mean, I thought a house was considered unsuitable for habitation if it was defective in regards to things like damp and ventilation and repair. We do live in a democratic society where people have rights after all. Oops sorry, I must've been dreaming that last bit, we live in a capitalist society don't we? What with all the prices of things nowadays and your reluctance to spend money on the upkeep of the house, it should have been quite obvious to me really. Silly me. I'll remember that for next time.

I also surrender to your way of doing things. I thank you for imparting such knowledge to me and I shall take these lessons to heart, especially in regards to the time it takes you to complete tasks and oversee the completion of miniscule jobs. Why, back in the humble shire, we do things ever so quickly, building extensions and houses in so much less time than it takes you down here. But as I mentioned, you are the more experienced in customer service and the real working world, so I submit to your teachings: Always keep the client waiting. Take your time. Eventually they'll get bored and give in. Luckily for you, it seems to have worked in this case.

Indeed, talking of luck, it's certainly very lucky for you that we didn't seek some legal aid. I mean whatever would you have done then? Though, in all honesty, they would've most likely told us to go away or something to that effect. We do know nothing after all. And what's an Ombudsman anyway? Sounds like a made up word if you ask me.

As an ignorant troglodyte I am obviously incapable of getting you to take any further action in this matter and so I hereby surrender. I hear that we sometimes get worms coming through the gaps in the bathroom floor. Until I am worthy of your acknowledgement, I shall go and join them. I hope this letter finds you well.

Yours faithfully,