THE BLOG

People to Unfollow

15/03/2013 15:08 GMT | Updated 13/05/2013 10:12 BST

The world is made up of poets and retards, and everyone's a poet, and everyone's a retard.

And everyone's on Twitter®, and many need to be unfollowed. Straight off the bat. Unfollowing celebs is relieving. You can unfollow politicians, models, dèbuc*nts, socïalites, scientists and performance artists. Not only you get to deny yourself of the mental agony that is reading their tweets, you also get to mend your following-followers ratio. That's basic tweeconomics: less people you follow the more intently popular you are at home.

A few creative people you'd be wise to undo with PDQ are listed below. All of them are verified so they won't get hurt. Verified™ people are rich and charming. You can loathe or be in loathe with them. If you want redemption just tweet "Sorry for unfollowing, @xxxx" to the relevant person. Even if you never followed that particular user before, you can lackadaisically follow them now for five seconds, and then joyfully unfollow.

1) Niall Horan (10M followers)

Reason: Exclamation marks, no new info, dopiness. His twitter handle has the word 'official' in it:

Billie JD Porter described it like this:

2) Mia Farrow (97K followers)

Reason: She is in favor of child obesity:

3) Sheryl Sandberg (50K followers)

Reason: She's not really into twitter. She works for facebook. And posts instagram links to images of herself and Katie Couric knowing full well twitter cancelled the instagram preview, after facebook bought instagram.

4) Amanda Palmer (837K followrers)

Reason: She's a millionaire who couchsurfs people's houses without paying. And she's part of the arrogant TED Talk apparatus:

Also she's got a 1.8M followers husband who urges people to see her rabid TED Talk:

5) Piers Morgan (3M followers)

Reason: Retweeted this tweet trying to make followers think he's aware of his misgivings:

6) Alain de Botton (341K followers)

Humbleswagges in such a smug way that is simply ingustible, maniacal and basically unretweetable:

7) Jason Calacanis (165K followers)

Reason: He stole the username "Jason" because he was first Jason to open a twitter account, and he believes the journey made from Brooklyn to Silicon Valley was heroic:

8) Carrie Brownstein (111K followers)

Reason: Goes to Adobe® conventions and then compliments everyone who went:

9) Susie Bubble (186K followers)

Reason: Her name is printed on a H&M shop in Oxford Street, London, and she went there to instagram it even though twitter does not allow instagram previews:

10) Jonathan Ross (3M followers)

Reason: Tweets the worst possible lines, not even selfie-pastiche. Just awk.

Also he tends to gasconade pretending not to mind people unfollow him:

* 1st line in this article is a quote from How Should A Person Be? (2012) by Sheila Heti.