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Ten Things You Never Knew About Ed Miliband

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by Ian Horrocks

Everybody knows Ed Miliband is the union-backed, rather goofy looking, leader of the Labour Party.

But here's 10 things you didn't know about our possible future prime minister and overlord...

 

Ed doesn't vote much for a politician: Miliband doesn't turn up to vote in parliament very often, only casting his ballot in a third of commons debates. Now, there are three possible reasons for this. Number one is that he's the leader of the opposition and, as such, is a busy bee with a smart tie and rather a lot to be getting on with thank you very much. Two: he's a lazy bugger and can't be arsed to turn up. Or three: he doesn't want to upset anyone/sully the Miliband brand by voting on particularly divisive issues. You can make your own minds up about that one. When Ed does turn up to vote he's typically progressive - voting to get rid of the creaking trophy cabinet of aristocrats, Monocle readers and fox hunters that the House of Lords likes to call 'hereditary peers', voting against tuition fee increases and voting for gay marriage rights. As a relative young gun in the parliamentary wild west he wasn't around for the Iraq war but did vote against a bill which proposed an investigation into Tony Blair's bloody campaign.

Expenses, what expenses?: When the expenses scandal broke back in 2009, Ed Miliband was actually the most frugal member of the cabinet, racking up less than eight grand of his £23K a year allowance. Although he did claim for a television license, which seems a bit cheeky, as well as £3525 on a speech-writing consultant despite having a taxpayer-funded special advisor to help him out with that already.

Ed can do a rubix cube in 90 seconds: Not like ye mere mortals, Ed can finish that awful multi-coloured device designed to separate the learned from the cubically challenged. Not only that, he can do it in 90 seconds too. We guess that intensive rubix cube tutelage comes complimentary with the Oxford education.

Ed likes crap TV shows, but never has enough time to watch them: In a who's who of shite television shows, Miliband has confessed to loving Eastenders, Desperate Housewives and Dallas. Due to his tight political schedule however, he admits to never really having the time to catch up with the latest twists and turns of this holy triptych of soap opera banality. Which, we suppose, is one thing he should really be thanking politics for.

Ed's not the most athletic of chaps: Just look at him run! It's nostalgically reminiscent of the limp hen who gets told off for not laying enough eggs in Chicken Run.

Ed

Ed's got a Blue Peter badge: At the tender age of 10, Ed decided to throw himself into the cocaine-fuelled 24-hour rave club that the BBC were marketing as Blue Peter. Dipping and diving through an intimidating assault course of wasted presenters and Savile-sponsored predatory cameramen, the young Ed managed to snatch himself one of the hallowed Blue Peter badges, following a full recital of all the British Prime Ministers since Sir Robert Walpole. Is there anything this man can't do?

If Ed wants to be PM, he needs plastic surgery: Unfortunately for Ed the British public seem to think that he can't become Prime Minister. According to the Daily Express, Miliband would need to shell out a whopping £14,000 on plastic surgery before the British serfdom would consider him pretty enough to elect to rule over them. Maybe he could just use the money he's got left over from his expenses allowance?

Ed's into arena rock: He likes U2 - the early warning system designed by the musical gods to pick out human beings with music tastes below the level of a deceased caterpillar.

Ed's best quip: On David Cameron's minimum alcohol pricing U-turn:

"Can the Prime Minister tell us if there is anything that he could organise in a brewery?"

Last place on Earth you'd expect to find Ed: In a punk bar circa 1975, wearing a leather jacket soaked in urine with ANARKY tattooed across his forehead.

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