THE BLOG

All I Want in a Man

18/07/2013 17:22 BST | Updated 17/09/2013 10:12 BST

I am pretty sure, I am the kind of woman that pick-up artists around the world would refer to as a "10". Have I not an excessive amount of lumps here and there? Men love that. Have I not all the time in the world to both text you, show up at your work place and write little hearts all over your Facebook wall? Bingo. And don't get me started on my extensive knowledge of Fresh Prince of Bel Air-trivia. In all ways, I am a catch. I think I am damn well entitled to make some demands of my own, when choosing a man.

Here they are:

1. You HAVE to be male. Otherwise, I would like to refer you to my next-coming article, "Okay So That Guy Does Not Exist And I Don't Want A Cat What's Up Layhdiies?"

2. You have to be somewhere roughly between 19 and 56 years old. It's simply because of the rule: Take your own age, subtract the number of years your dad wasn't around when you were a kid, and then ignore the rule completely because, let's face it, you need to fill a void.

3. You would have to donate to charity. And take me out regularly. And buy me stuff - but not sexy lingerie, because you KNOW I can't fit into a size 10 and then I'll try anyways and I'll start to cry and no one wants to see a naked, fat girl weep while wearing a thong on her knee. We've all been there. Also, own a car.

4. You can't be a work-a-holic. Actually, you should probably have some cool artist job, such as musician, painter or poet (NOT a comedian, I prefer that you have some sexual experience). You have to be successful, but by accident and not because of your hard work. For example, a famous gallery owner's car broke down near your mansion and he came by to borrow the phone (he's so artsy that he doesn't have a mobile phone) and then he spots your painting and goes "Wow, you're handsome AND talented! Here's all my money!" and you are therefor rich and doesn't have to work much, so you'll have plenty of time for me.

5. You have to think that my obsession with female serial killers is kind of cute.

6. You have to think that I'm kind of cute and kind of sexy when I eat a chicken garlic kebab alone whilst crying and watching documentaries about female serial killers.

7. All your ex-girlfriends are either dead, lesbians or dead lesbians. Or you discovered that you were siblings separated at birth and now you simply cannot look at Carol in the same way ever again.

8. You have to be the kind of person who does not care at all about looks. It's what's inside, that counts.

9. You are taller than me and have a slight lisp.

10. If a girl has slept with "multiple" guys, it's merely a sign of sexual confidence and an adventurous personality. If a girl has slept with "multiple" guys, it's merely a sign of sexual confidence and an adventurous personality. If a girl has slept with "multiple" guys, it's merely a sign of sexual confidence and an adventurous personality. If a girl has slept with "multiple" guys, it's merely a sign of sexual confidence and an adventurous personality.

11. You need to be susceptible to hypnosis.

12. You read my blog.

13. Religiously. You read my blog religiously. You've printed it out and underlined your favourite parts. We will enjoy reading these together in front of a fireplace with a glass of red wine.

14. You can't seem too interested. So if these demands apply to you, it's better if you find out where I live, where I work and what my hobbies are. Then you get a job at my work place and pretend to not notice me for a few months. Why not also marry someone - that will really spike an interest! Then one day, our hands will touch and you'll be like,"Oh, didn't see you there." and I'll be like, "You never see me!" and then you go "I've seen you from the first day I saw you." And that's the cue for the white doves.