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Four-Step Guide: How To Bag Your Roomie

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You have heard him fart, masturbate and laugh at Adam Sandler movies. He has heard you fall in the shower, have conversations with inanimate objects and cry, while eating Ben&Jerry's directly from the freezer.

I know you're thinking: Why should I?

The answer is simple: Because it's easy! You're already living together! All you need is a ring and his last name, and you'll finally be a complete person.

But "how?" you are probably asking yourself. Well, with this simple and handy guide on How To Bag Your Roomie, you'll no longer need to worry.

Step 1: Background Check

First of all, it's important that you check that your roomie isn't in a relationship, gay, female, your relative or a serial killer. It's easy, just ask them the following questions:

  • Are you in a (serious) relationship?
  • Are you (completely convinced that you're) gay?
  • Do you have a vagina?
  • Are you in my (close) family?
  • Are you a serial killer?

Now, we know that serial killers can't be trusted easily, so you might want to follow up by asking them:

  • No, seriously, are you?

If he answers NO to all of them, he's ready to be bagged..

Step 2: Fade To Relationship

Slowly let him get used to the lingo you'll be using, once you've bagged him. Casually slip it into sentences, that you usually use. (I've highlighted the keywords to make it easier)

  • Would you mind taking down the trash, honey?
  • I am doing the dishes and ovulating.
  • Have you paid the gas bill - or slept with my sister, you pig?
  • I am not your mother! but I can be A mother?

Step 3: Igniting The Spark

Relationships often begin with a magic moment. Your hands touch, as you try to barricade the door to keep him from leaving the house and suddenly - you're in love.

They say you cannot force these moments - but I say, why not try?

  • Gently let your hand brush against his, after you've surprised him by walking in on him in the shower.
  • Hold the eyecontact for four intense seconds longer, when he asks you where his boxershorts have disappeared to.
  • Find out where he spends his free time and casually bump into him, maybe practice uttering the sentence, "Oh, what are the odds that we both attend this exact sperm clinic?"

Step 4: The Wedding

Now that he's all bag-able, you go all in. While he's out, you make these slight changes in your home:

  • Refurnish the entire flat. Make his room the bedroom and your room the livingroom.
  • Put a "Mr. & Mrs."-nametag on the mailbox.
  • Put on a wedding dress.
  • Kill the cat. (Now that you're no longer single, you won't need it)
  • Hang the dead cat from the balcony, so he knows you're serious about this relationship.
  • Invite his parents. He'll want them to be there for the big day.
  • Sit back and wait for him to come home.

Should our guideline fail to get you a husband (it won't!) there is only one thing left for you to do: Move!
And start over.