THE BLOG

Re: Donald Trump

01/04/2016 10:40 | Updated 01 April 2016

Whatever you think of Donald, let's just admit one thing: every vaguely liberal human person out there bloody loves him. It is like we have been suffocated for years by our own do-goodiness, ensnared by our own balanced views and shackled by our own diplomacy. But, finally, there hath come someone who is an amalgamation of all things that we abhor the most. We can no longer stay quiet. And, let's face it: We. Are. Loving. It.

As a gentle-spirited liberal myself, I feel slightly timid writing this, but man oh MAN, does it feel good! Finally, after years of waiting, I have an effigy for my lefty self-righteousness (that is, one who is not yet a psychotic mass murderer) and political grooviness, carefully honed through years of reading Das Kapital (actually, I didn't read it) and The Guardian's lifestyle section (yeah, I do read that).

I want to thank Mr Trump for giving my festering thoughts a much needed airing. For years, I have been quietly moderate in my views. Whilst, I have been an advocate for many important things, amongst them the right to abortion and the right to wear fluorescent jackets to work, I have been a balanced one, one always keen to acknowledge my opponent's standpoint. Not anymore though! Thanks to Trump, I now storm through my grandmother's house, wine glass in hand, foaming at the mouth, spouting inarticulate counterarguments for his blatant uncoolness. God, I'm so happy.

However, like any hard drug, it is important to pause and reflect on whether it is affecting one's judgement, relationships and ability to sleep at night. I for one lie awake of night, obsessively thinking about Trump's cornsilk-like hair, of his mouth shaped like a Wheeto, the fact that he looks like a rabid sponge on a stick. How very small his hands are. Close friends no longer call me, lest I pick up the phone chanting "Trump, Trump, Trumpity, Trump" and other obscenities. This is an emergency. Trump cold turkey is in order.

I have come to realise that my standoff against Trump, although initially ideologically driven, has become nothing more than good, old-fashioned narcissism. Because, let's face it, Trump is just not groovy. And vaguely liberal people are. And we like it when he pulls stupid faces, makes sensationalistic comments and draws-up Mickey Mouse policies because it confirms that we are, well, much cooler and cleverer than him. He is like nipple-grazing-man-trousers to our yellow skinnies, traditional marriage to unwed bliss, Battenberg cake to moist, flour-less chocolate brownies.

But, whilst on this sugar-high of hatred, we have failed to recognise that the Trump train IS getting faster, IS getting stronger and HAS become a force to be reckoned with. What is insanely clever is that he and the campaign still look farcical. However, believe it or not, he has acquired a following of people with genuine concerns, with real questions about their lives and the future of their country. And those questions must be answered. Ignore them at our own peril.

I'm no political bigwig, but I do feel that I can speak for the gentle, moderate liberals out there, and my suggestion is this: let's all go Trump cold-turkey together. Let's press pause on the hating, take note of the fact that, although it felt sooooo good, our hating has only really added fuel to the fire. So let's take a deep breath, slowly feel our way back to our original equilibrium and go out there, knowing deep down that we are groovier than him, just not rubbing his face in it. Rub his face in it and you are also rubbing the faces of millions of downtrodden, disillusioned people who just want tomorrow to be a better day. And that's just not cool.

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