Can I turn back the clock please? I don't mean I want to revert back to my life before Mr S and the Rockstar but maybe just for a few hours I could turn back the clock three or four years.
Please don't get me wrong I love my boys but some days, usually when I'm sleep deprived or searching for work, I do find myself thinking about my life before them. More often or not imagining my life with just Mr S.
We didn't have much time as a two, we were pretty swift in becoming three and I don't regret that for a minute. At my age it was a gift, which is why I feel guilty having these thoughts of my life before them.
I find myself thinking about how I'd plan my weekend after a really busy week at work, where I've only eaten bar snacks with drinks after work, hit the gym a few times and attended more meetings that I care to mention. My weekend would consist of a lie in, breakfast out reading the papers, shopping for an outfit to wear out with the girls followed by a lazy Sunday and a roast in a fab gastro or an afternoon in front of the TV. Yes, I admit it I miss those days.
We were looking for a holiday last week for the three of us and we're lucky enough that Rockstar is at an age where we don't have to go to 'kidtastic' so we can still stay in a reasonably grownup hotel, but we do have to think about the flight time. I would love to jet off to a secluded island and reminisce over the holiday where I met Mr S or suggest we fly away for some sun for a weekend. But times have changed.
If we didn't have the Rockstar then Mr S and I could jet off, he'd take some encouragement to be spontaneous but he'd go with it - we'd be living the DINKY life (Double Income No Kids Yet).
I had to take the car to the garage this morning during rush hour, as I sat in traffic I imagined myself driving to the office for a full days work, sitting at a desk, drinking hot coffee, being challenged and creative. I miss that.
I guess I am still adapting to my challenges, the two year old gives you many, not working full time takes away you're independents. I constantly question 'who am I now?'.
I've got a few girls nights and lunches in the diary over the next month - outings are a bit like buses, you have none for ages then they all come at once. I feel bad about leaving Mr S with the boy but I think I need it. I think I need time on my own. Mr S gets it on a Saturday when he's running around a rugby field.
This Friday I'm going to a 'Evening With' an author whom I love. I'm going on my own which I am quite looking forward too, to just sit and listen to someone else talk about life experiences and feelings.
On Saturday I'm having a sleep over at my sisters, no kids and going out out! I'd rather we were cashing in those air miles I have stored up from my days of far away holidays. I'd love to be jetting off on a little weekend away with her somewhere sunny. Maybe next month if I can convince Mr S to treat us!
Is it wrong that I crave being at an airport, sat at the bar having a drink and reading a magazine from cover to cover? Not worrying about whether we have enough toys to entertain the boy on the flight and being anxious about him screaming for 4 hours
Is it wrong I crave to lay in the bath with a glass of wine? Not listening out for the little man to wake or to organise more than one night away for some sight seeing and wine drinking?
Just to sit on the sofa and watch some crap tv WITHOUT the guilt would be great!
I do have a lot to be thankful for in my life, a great husband, a gorgeous child and a lovely home, in fact my gorgeous boy has just woken up and told me he loves me. One day he will be grown up so I will be free to do the things I occassionaly crave but as an older parent I will be so much older so will it even be possible?
I'm sure I'm not the only one that has these feelings, Mummies and Daddies. So for now I will I just let myself be transported back every now and then and allow myself a sliding door moment.
Picture - Authors own.